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General mental health

Honesty Thursday

I’ve been debating writing on here for weeks. My inspiration has been lacking, I have been feeling irritated at a lot of things, and I’ve also been feeling low. I’ve been diving more into my spiritual practice, and I’ve been feeling very opinionated lately and discouraged that no one seems to see things my way.

So I stayed away from this. I stayed away from writing an angry post because I don’t want to be an angry person. And the thing is? I’m not. I’m not angry at all, actually. I just feel strongly in my beliefs, and something I’m currently dealing with is choosing response over reaction.

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There’s a co-worker of mine who I disagree with on the way we should handle our job. She does things a way that I feel is wrong, and I feel anger bubbling inside me right now that management isn’t doing anything about it.

I have read in multiple books/sources that anger stems from fear, and I guess I’m scared of someone receiving the praise and acclamation I feel I deserve? Which also means that my pride is getting in my way. A scarcity mindset. Which means I’m actually feeling insecure and my ego is being a bitch.

In my own defense, there are some people that are just a pain to work with. They’re great out of the office, but you just don’t want to work with them. And that’s fine, it’s rare to like every single person you work with. But we all still need to be respectful to each other. And I can’t let my ego/pride get in the way of my response (which I did). So I’m also angry at myself for reacting in the way that a past version of me would. And as I reached out to a friend to make sure I was in the right…I realized that if I needed to make sure what I was doing was right to someone else, then it wasn’t right to me. A decision I know is right for me, I do not need input on. If I know something is right, nothing can sway my judgement.

I ALSO cannot control or really change anyone else. If I think someone is doing something wrong or incorrect, there is nothing I can do to change them. (I’m also not management, so it’s really not my job 😂). So now, I’m feeling embarrassed. I don’t take back what I said, because it’s the truth, but it’s also not up to me to put myself in the position I was in. I know I am great at my job. I know I am considered to be the #2 in the office behind management. And just because I sometimes need an ego boost doesn’t mean I should go after that by stooping to someone else’s level of passive aggression. It’s also not up to me to have an opinion on what I think management should do, because it doesn’t matter what I think. I am not management. I don’t get paid enough to care about what management should do. I get paid to do my job, which encompasses my responsibilities. And that’s it. So while initiative is great, I also can’t stress myself out about something that isn’t even mine to stress.

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I have also been feeling “blah” lately. I haven’t been feeling super inspired, I haven’t been feeling fulfilled. I’ve been pulling myself away from the things that bring me joy in favor of the things that numb, which lowers my vibration and makes me feel shitty all around.

A good friend asked me the other day “how’s the website going” and I felt hurt by the fact that I was so ecstatic and inspired to pour my heart and soul into blog posts, to start to connect with people, and I just lost that.

But do you know why it hurt? It hurt because of why I lost the inspiration. I lost the inspiration because I started to think about what other people will think when they read my stuff. My dad knows about this site, ya’ll! I love him so much and I know he loves me too but it’s so much easier to bare your soul when no one is looking, ya know? But also, if I’m going to be a writer and live into my life’s purpose, then I’m going to have to lose the shyness a little and just do it.

I’ve also been feeling out of sorts due to hormones surrounding my period, which the feminist in me hates bringing up, but honestly- it’s relevant.

There’s also a New Moon tomorrow, which I’m going to spend the rest of my afternoon reading about and journaling about (in between work stuff).

Part of me also feels call to write about the witchy/spiritual/mystic stuff that I’m researching, and while I am a bit nervous for any “feedback” I may get from the people less than supportive of the subject, I also am getting to the point where I just don’t care. This is my site and I’m going to write about what I want, and honestly I am interested in earning a living as a writer so I suppose I should concern myself with whatever is #trending, but FUCK THAT. I’d rather write what I’m passionate about, when I’m inspired, than push out weekly bullshit that everyone can tell doesn’t speak to me.

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Lastly, I have been feeling insecure about myself lately. I haven’t felt confident in my body, I haven’t felt worthy, and I started to feel myself slip back into old patterns of self-deprecating jokes and self-hatred. With a relationship with depression, this didn’t really come as a surprise to me. But this isn’t who I want to be. The Best Jenna does not fall prey to her depression because she knows she is worthy. She accepts her bad days as she accepts passing clouds in the sky, and does not berate herself for feeling human emotions.

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So that’s where my head has been, lately. It hasn’t felt the most inspiring, but it’s what has been on my heart. And no matter what I decide to write about, I know my site and anything I create is definitely going to have a lot of heart.

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