Categories
mental health

Mental Health Awareness

Happy November!

In case you don’t already know – mental health is one of the most important things in my life. I consider myself to be a mental health advocate, and when I’m able to make enough money through my writing to support me (i.e. I don’t have to work for anyone else) I’ll have the time and ability to advocate more.

Early November is the time where I reflect on my experience with my mental health. In November of 2014, I was hospitalized for 8 days in a psychiatric facility because my family was concerned for my safety. After leaving the facility, I went through an outpatient program for about three months, and I graduated from that program in about March of 2015. In July of 2015, I started dating my now-fiancé.

Depression and anxiety plagued me for years, not to mention misdiagnoses that occurred, generational trauma, and PTSD.

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It has been six years since I’ve self-harmed. It has been six years since my stay in the psych ward, and over five and a half years since I graduated from the outpatient program. I don’t have anxiety attacks every day, or even every week. I don’t feel disgusting in my own skin with every breath.

But that’s not to say that I’m “cured”. I still live with anxiety, and depression, and my trauma. I am unlearning so much every day – beliefs and values that aren’t actually mine, coping mechanisms that don’t serve me, and negativity. I still get anxious and deal with depression. And I’m working on my growth. I am in therapy, and I read a lot of personal development books.

I also am realistic and know that I’ll never not be living with anxiety or depression. Even the best version of myself will feel anxious or depressed, but the work that I am doing now is helping me build a strong foundation of self-love, discipline, positive coping skills, and confidence.

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I don’t think I have all the answers for you. There is a solid chance that I don’t have any answers. But I do know that if I can work through my crippling depression, my vivid suicidal ideations, and my debilitating anxiety so it’s all more manageable, then it is possible for anyone to do so too.

November is not Mental Health Awareness Month. And honestly, I don’t care. I don’t care if it’s not #trending to talk about the courage it takes to go to therapy, or to speak up to someone when you think you might need help, or to speak up when you’re worried about someone else. I don’t care of it’s on the Explore Page/For You Page about the different resources available for those who are living with mental illnesses. For me, on my platform, Mental Health Matters 24/7 365 days a year (and 366 days on a Leap Year).

I know that for some people this might feel kinda liberal, or hippie, or any other label with a negative connotation but the reality is, is that we as humans cannot be truly healthy if we’re neglecting our emotions and mental state. Your mental health matters. You are not alone. People care about your mental health, but unfortunately, there aren’t many mind-readers among us who are able to know how you’re feeling unless you say something.

I also don’t think that there’s only one answer for someone who is dealing with mental health issues. If you want to go to a therapist who specializes in traditional psychology, you go for it! There are also therapists who specialize in religious or spiritual approaches. There are counselors and coaches and therapists and so many people who do energy work.
I also know that this can be expensive. Not everyone has access to insurance, or can afford it. And it’s so easy to get into a mindset of “If I was in a country with universal healthcare I could have access to therapy but I don’t so I guess I’ll just suffer” – and I’m sorry you’re struggling. But that is bullshit. You have access to the internet! It is 2020, my dude – YouTube is a free resource. There are so many videos on different topics – give yourself an hour a week to watch videos about whatever it is that’s troubling you! Or check out your local library.

There is strength in asking for help. And if you aren’t at that point yet, you are strong too.

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Your mental health matters. Your health matters. You matter.

It can feel lonesome. There are still so many stigmas surrounding all things mental health, and if you’re in an unsupportive environment you might think that the stigmas are truth. And while I can’t debunk every stigma you ever heard (since I don’t know what you’ve heard!), I can offer the following truths.

✨ You are worthy of happiness. You know yourself best. You are smart and kind and important.

✨ You cannot just not be depressed or anxious. It’s not that easy, BUT not being under depression’s grip or under anxiety’s wrath is possible.

✨ Not everyone will be understanding. Usually the people who have never experienced mental health issues don’t have the best understanding of how to help you with yours. You will find your support system. You are worthy of support and this pain will not last forever.

Categories
Current Events

Hallow’s Eve/Samhain!

Hello! We have 11 days until Halloween! I know I’m super early, but I’m excited 😁

Normally I don’t really care about Halloween. I’m all for the candy, and Halloween parties are fun because (pre-COVID) it served as a way to get drunk in a costume that for me was some sort of comfortable. But I’ve been very excited for this Halloween in particular.

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If you’ve read any of my other posts, then you’re familiar with me being spiritual. Part of my spiritual journey has led me on the path of learning more about Paganism, witchcraft, and spirituality philosophies.

On the Pagan Wheel of the Year, Samhain is the Pagan tradition that is their “Halloween”, but really I think is more like Day of the Dead. Samhain is a celebration of the harvest and is meant to be a celebration of the harvest with all loved ones, living and those that have passed.

Also, in addition to the reflective time of Samhain, this Halloween in particular is a powerful time energetically speaking. On Saturday, October 31st, Daylight Savings Time ends, so we “fall back” the clocks and gain an hour.
Also, there is a Full Moon on Halloween and it’s a blue moon. Blue moons happen when there are two full moons in one month. Having a blue moon on Halloween is exciting because it doesn’t happen often. The last time this occurred was 1944, and won’t happen again until 2039!

I don’t have much information to share more on Samhain specifically, or on the moon energies. Frankly, there are a lot of other articles online written by people more knowledgeable on both of those subjects.

So why write this then?”

Because I’m excited. I’m excited for the cooler weather. I forget how much I truly love sweaters and autumn until it’s 50° and I’m bundling up in cardigans. I’m excited because this is the first autumn I’m engaged. I’m excited because I’m feeling inspired about my life! That’s amazing y’all, because for awhile there I was feeling pretty lost. I know that Halloween is over a week away, and as of this point I don’t even know if I have plans yet (socially distance, COVID safe plans), but I’m excited.

I hope you all can find something to be excited about this month! 🎃

Categories
mental health spirituality writing

Coming Back Home to Myself

So, things have changed since I last wrote here. My funk has transformed into inspiration, but not after me going through a low.

Whether you want to call it depression, or part of the spiritual awakening, or an existential crisis – for what felt like an eternity, I was feeling like my life wasn’t my own. Not in a dissociation sense, because I know what that feels like and this wasn’t it. But I felt like my life didn’t feel like my life. That if I were given the ability to choose the aspects of my life, the life I am living would not match that. Does that make sense? I was feeling unsatisfied, overwhelmed, lost, and hopeless. This was beyond me feeling like I was in a rut – I truly felt like I didn’t fit in to my own life.

Last Saturday, I decided to do some autumn-cleaning. I wasn’t feeling relaxed in my bedroom, and this is the only space we have in our current living situation that’s ours, which makes it of more importance to me for it to feel like home.
Spiritually, I felt like I had too many crystals out. I had the intuitive thought that all of the energies of the 40+ crystals I had throughout our room was getting to be overwhelming, and as I am a spiritual person I’m more in tune to these energies. I made sure my Google Slides presentation was up to date (this is how I keep track of the names of all of my crystals), and I put the crystals I wasn’t feeling drawn to in a box. I cleansed that box with Palo Santo incense, and put the box in the attic. I then went through my books that I have in the room, and decided to only keep the books in the room that I actually intend on reading in the next few months. The rest of the books – most of my books – are in the attic and are easily accessible should I need them. I then reorganized my other things – my pictures, elephant figurines, dresser, etc.- and anything that didn’t feel necessary, I put in a box. I went through my clothes and organized them too, and anything that I haven’t worn in a long time I put in a garbage bag. I put the box and the bag in the attic. Essentially, I redecorated the room and did a variation of Marie Kondo’s cleaning. Instead of asking myself if each item brings me joy, I asked myself if it resonated with me. They say (I can’t remember who “they” is) that your home is an extension of your mind, so if you’re feeling cluttered/scatter-brained, it may help to clean your room, etc. This did help me feel better, to have my bedroom feel like a reflection of myself.

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I went for a long walk the next day. As I was walking, I whispered out loud all the things that were bothering me and told the trees the things on my mind and on my heart. I had the intuitive thought that the reason my life doesn’t feel like mine is because I am not holding space for myself. I am dimming myself down to be the version of me that I used to be, the version of me I think others are expecting me to be. So if I don’t feel comfortable within myself, how the hell am I going to feel comfortable with anything in my external world?

So I talked to the trees. I said that if a friend was telling me everything that I just said, I need to do for myself what I would advise my friend. Below are a few bullet-points of that conversation.

Me: I don’t feel satisfied with my job. It doesn’t feel like something I want to do, and it doesn’t make me happy.
What I would tell my friend: Your job does not define you. It is a way for you to make money, but if it doesn’t resonate with you it does not have to be apart of your identity. Write out a list of pros/cons of working there, and see how you feel after seeing it all on paper.
Also: My job does not make me happy in the sense of me feeling excited to start the day, but I don’t dread logging in. Apathy isn’t the goal emotion for your career, but sometimes a job is just a job. It’s not forever and it doesn’t have to be my passion, especially if I remind myself that this is a stepping stone.

Me: I don’t know where I want to move to after our current living situation, but I know that I don’t want to stay here forever and I’d like to get our own place soon. I don’t know what to do.
What I would tell my friend: The good thing about where you are living now is also that it’s a stepping stone. You’re not stuck there. But it is where you are now, so I think it’d be beneficial to make the most of it while you’re there. The time is going to go by either way, so if you can help it, don’t be miserable.
Also: If we’re not moving for, at the very least, 15 months, why should I worry about it now? Why should I spend so much energy planning for something that’s so far away and has so many variables? I can think about it, and plan the best I can, but realistically – there is not much I can or should do until it gets closer. So just check ✅ it off the mental list and move on.

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Also, after this conversation, I felt HUGELY inspired with regards to my writing. If I want to be this successful writer and reach the goals that I dream about, then I need to put in the work. I need to do the best I can now, because putting it off until later isn’t going to help me. Would I rather watch seven hours of Parks & Rec or work on writing blog posts and Instagram captions? Some days I’d rather just relax and watch Netflix, and there is nothing wrong with that. But if I ask myself that question every time I go to the app, chances are I’ll be binge-watching shows a lot less.

I’m a spiritual person. Most likely, if you’ve read anything else I’ve written on here you are already know that. A lesson I’ve been struggling to learn lately is finding a balance between surrendering my earthly need for control to the universe but also taking control of my life. While this has been a dilemma and something that’s weighed me down for awhile, today I’m starting to understand it a little better.

I surrender my need for my life to look a certain way, while understanding that I have the power to change my life. I surrender the idea that I need to achieve xyz by the age of 30, but I claim the power to create my own reality and achieve my goals.

For example – I want to be earn a living by being a writer. I say affirmations every morning after my yoga, and I see visions of my future working from home in my gorgeous home office, but I won’t get to that point without doing work. I release the need for the path to getting there to happen a certain way, but I know that I need to actually put in the work to get there.

And so…an announcement. 🥁 Last Sunday, Sept. 27th, I printed the very first draft of my first book. It’s 16,000 words and needs a lot of editing, and I know that it’s nowhere near done, but it’s still an awesome feeling to be holding my words. I sat down to write today and I started to repeat myself from what I’ve said already, so I decided it was time to edit what I have so far, and organize it into chapters so it’s also easier for me to navigate. In one month of writing for one hour every week, I have 16,000 words. It feels uncomfortable to say because of my low self-esteem that I’m working on but – I am proud of myself and of this accomplishment. I hold space for this achievement, and I am passionate about the work that needs to happen to get this book anywhere close to being ready for publishers.

I also am inspired for this blog and my social media presence. I can’t have the audience of my dreams and reach people without consistent content. I can’t schedule inspiration, but I can take advantage of inspiration when it happens and put a plan in motion to be worked on afterwards.

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It’s okay to not feel inspired all the time. It’s okay to feel lost, and it’s okay to feel shitty. There is strength in feeling your emotions, and there is strength in taking back your power.

Categories
General

I had a dream I was in my high school. A friend of mine, Jessica, was getting harassed and bullied because of an aspect about herself that she recently changed. It was getting to be so hard for her to be in the school building that I told her I would go back to her locker and get what she needed for her homework. I was writing down her assignments when I woke up.

I realized how unknowingly ignorant I was in high school. I was ignorant because I was sheltered, and frankly just didn’t know better. I didn’t have anyone to correct me in my mistakes because we were all kids and THEY didn’t know better.

But sitting here today, 24 years old, I realize just how damaging my ignorance may have been to those around me.

We only know as much as we learn, so if we don’t immerse ourselves in cultures different from our own – we never learn the errors (even the ones we didn’t intend to make) in our ways. This practice is typically more common with younger people because of toxicity and ego – “i made it this far without worrying about blahblahblah, I’m not about to start now”. But everyone could stand to lose

For the record, Jessica in my dream was a newly-transitioned trans woman.

Also, I feel like if people need a way to understand “why someone would want to do that”, I would liken it to this: let’s say your entire family is blond. You grow up being blond, but it’s just never really felt right to you. You get old enough to be exposed to more life and you see that people have different hair colors. You decide that as soon as you’re able to, you’re going to dye your hair brown.

Once you do, you finally feel like you are being true to your TRUE self.

Now this is obviously a stretch, but the principle of changing your physical body to match what your identity is on the inside is true. <Unless that was offensive to the trans community, then please let me know!>.

I woke up today feeling like I needed to share this. I’m literally writing this from my yoga mat before doing my morning yoga because this felt like something I needed to share. I needed to apologize to the trans people in my life that I was not initially supportive to and wasn’t the nicest to. Yes, in high school we’re all going through things. My social anxiety and my deep depression made interacting with people difficult, but as an adult I’ve learned to hold space for my own struggles while holding space and respecting someone else’s.

Also, for the record – I am a feminist. I am pro-choice. I believe all lives matter, so I am also a supporter of Black Lives Matter. I support the trans community. I support the LGBTQIA+ community. I support all minorities and communities of people. I also think society needs to place more of a priority on addressing mental health awareness and support, and not stress on gun control. (People are going to abuse laws and act erratically either way and can still get firearms illegally, but the restrictions only hurt the safe gunowners). I don’t believe political labels matter, and I don’t identify as a liberal. I also don’t identify as a conservative. But even if I did identify as either, it shouldn’t make you any less invested in the message of “Love, Support, and Respect All Human Beings”, which is what matters most to me.

Part of the need to share about my dream was also for me to share my beliefs, for anyone who was wondering. I’m not as active as I should be in any of these movements, as I’m trying to build the foundation of myself. These causes are important but something is calling me to focus inward during this pandemic, and I’m following my intuition.

So today, the first full day of autumn, remember to love, support, and respect all human beings. Reflect a little and see if you are holding onto any beliefs that aren’t actually yours.

Categories
Uncategorized

Checking in – State of My Union

Growing up, I also had a love/hate relationship for Social Studies. A class that mixed History and Geography, it was always something that I was decent at but didn’t really like. It wasn’t until my sophomore year of high school that I took an Advanced Placement History class that I really fell in love with history. I loved learning about the making of the country, the Revolutionary War, and what was going on in the world in the beginning of America’s life. I specifically liked the early president’s State of The Union addresses, so that same idea is applied here.

This is the State of My Union.

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I have been feeling off for awhile now, and this past week I have really been out of sorts. I’m not sure if it’s part of the spiritual process or if it’s my depression or if it’s anxiety or if it’s good ol’ fashion stress (or if it’s Maybelline), but I have not been feeling myself.

In the thick of feeling off, I didn’t feel motivated or inspired to do anything. I did the bare minimum every single day and that was it. I had the thought of “I should meditate. I should journal” and instead, I watched hours of TikToks or Netflix. And don’t get me wrong, I am not bashing either of these apps at all. But ignoring my feelings was not, and is not, constructive.

Physically I’ve also been feeling off. I wound up going to urgent care last week and while I failed my strep test, the doctor still prescribed me the medicine for strep. This weekend I have been taking it easy and making an effort to only do the things I need to do or the things that make me happy.

And I have not been feeling very inspired to share. I want to be transparent and authentic with you guys, but I also don’t want to be negative and complain. Because I hate those people, myself! The ones who are always complaining no matter what is going on in their lives. But the thing here is, I’m not complaining. Things have actually been hard for me these past few weeks.

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Moving forward, I plan on giving myself time to rest. I plan on honoring my body when I need rest, before my body demands rest. I plan on coming up with a schedule for writing that energizes me yet also keeps me disciplined. I can’t schedule inspiration, and working a full-time job doesn’t often leave time for other things; but if I can spend hours on social media or watching Netflix, then I can find the time to put in the work on my dreams.

Looking at the week ahead, I hope you all finish out September in a reflective, heartwarming, and peaceful manner ✌

Categories
General mental health

This Morning’s Musings

I’ve been in a funk, lately. I feel like I’m always saying that, which makes me feel worse.

Now I don’t know if I’ve been feeling more depressed, or if the depression is part of the spiritual awakening I may or not may not going through, I don’t know.

I just finished a book, “Gus” by Kim Holden. I’ve read the first book in the series a couple of times, “Bright Side”, and I finally managed to finish this one too. And dude, I fucking love the feeling after finishing a good book. The excitement and elation of the inspiration of finishing a story – especially a story like this. Overcoming grief and loss, finding yourself, and pursuing the hell out of your passions. I needed that.

Lately I’ve been feeling called for us to plan to get our own place, and move into an apartment. I miss having my own space away from the world. I miss being able to cook in the kitchen whenever I want, having only myself and my fiancé to worry about. I miss not having to share a bathroom with anyone else. And honestly? I miss the independence of being away from everyone else. I miss being able to be alone, truly alone. No other people in my space, not having to worry about who is doing what and where. I miss having a space that is my oasis from the world.

But, to play my own Devil’s Advocate, maybe my lower feelings currently are causing me to feel more antisocial so I feel more called to be away from everyone and everything.
Also, apartment living requires you to share walls with neighbors who could be loud or just generally annoying. And most units don’t have a washer/dryer in-unit. And carrying groceries up the stairs if you live on the second floor sucks. And we wouldn’t have the yard we have now and the garage…but I personally would be fine with that. I am willing to sacrifice the comfort of laundry and groceries for the general feeling of being at peace and being at home somewhere.

My fiancé is not on board, I don’t think. He’s not the most open with his emotions and his feelings, and he’s also stressed because he starts class in less than a week.

So I’m at a loss for what to do. Because I’m not happy with our current living situation…but I’m also not unhappy to the point of dreading being home. I feel indifferent/apathetic about living here. I also don’t feel the happiest inside about myself, which could be affecting my mindset too.

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After our talk this morning that was mostly me building the case for why I want us to move into our own apartment in 6 months and him listening but not engaging and also not 100% agreeing – I decided to finish reading “Gus”. Because I wanted to escape. When I’m not on the phone for work, I was escaping into another world. And it was this excerpt that made me almost cry:

When I got to this point, I gasped out loud and read it again. And then I sent a picture of this to my fiancé and shared to my personal stories on social media. It felt like these words were written just for me to read.
How, specifically, this works into my life I’m not 100% sure yet. I immediately thought of my writing career, and the fact is that I can’t earn a living from writing if I don’t actually do the writing.

I also know that happiness comes from within, so if I’m not happy within myself I’ll never be happy no matter where I live. But I also think it’s a valid argument that staying somewhere out of convenience and ease is a shit choice. If I want to choose happy and live intentionally, and not just let myself fall into a routine of mediocrity, then I need to be intentional with my life. Which leads me back to wanting to move into our own place.

But, I can’t force someone into wanting something that they don’t. Just like I can’t force myself to be happy with something that I’m not. So I’m going to throw myself into work and read the next book in the series (“Franco”, Kim Holden) and see what happens. I’m going to trust in the universe and surrender to the fact that I know this living situation no longer serves me, and that I am ready for our next chapter. I’m going to get out of my head a little and try to give my mind a break from thinking, and just focus on being. ✌

Categories
Current Events mental health spirituality

New Moon Post: Planetary Happenings, Stepping into Myself, Doing the Hard Things (oh my!)

Happy Tuesday! Happy New Moon in Leo! This is also the second full day into Uranus Retrograde, so let me know if this is hitting y’all as hard as it’s hitting me 😅

In case you’re not into astrology stuff (moon energy, planetary alignments, etc.), I’ll briefly discuss what both of these things mean and link articles to read that explain it more eloquently. Also, just follow @truly.intuitive on Instagram! She’s the best.

New Moons are the beginning of the moon’s energy cycle. It’s typically when witches do their work for manifestation, among other things. New Moons signify beginnings, and there have also been studies to show that a majority of women menstruate around the new moon and ovulate around the full moon. So, new moons are pretty powerful. If you do any sort of Law of Attraction practice (writing letters, vision boards, etc.), I recommend paying attention to when the next New Moon is to help boost the manifesting.

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Most of us are aware of our sun signs. This is the answer we would give if anybody were to actually use the “So what’s your sign?” pick-up line on us. This is the “most popular” knowledge people have of their birth chart, but y’all there is actually so much more to know. It’s on my mental list of things to do to study astrology and eventually be able to read birth charts, but for now I’m still in the “collecting general knowledge” phase. We all have the planet Uranus in our chart, and typically, this planet is a symbol of progress, science, and disruption of the status quo. It’s the planet that is linked to surprises, innovation, revolution, and liberation. Uranus is demonstrative of all that is unique, wild, unpredictable, and unusual in our lives.

So what does this mean for this planet going in retrograde? It means our comfort zone will be tested. We are given a choice: change or die. (Die in the figurative sense). Without the influence of Uranus, many of us would nestle deep in our most familiar ruts and never look back. Uranus pushes us past the edge of our comfort.

Y’all, I am feeling all of this energy.

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Recently (like, Sunday night recently), I initiated a difficult conversation that I’ve been avoiding having with someone. And while we actually made progress, kinda, I was in my feels yesterday (as the kids say). I was feeling down, almost depressed. Very sad, insecure.

(Context: This wasn’t a bad conversation! No break-ups or any life changes, just a sensitive topic that is something not openly discussed. A lot of emotions were had).

And the reason I think that all of these feelings have to do with my spiritual awakening, is because I know that I need to go through this. So after yesterday morning of feeling super low, I was sitting outside cuddling with our pupper and had the thought that growth comes after change, and this season is all about shaking things up and teaches us what is really important.

It’s hard to determine if what I’m feeling is a “normal” part of growing, spiritually. It’s hard to tell if I cried for an hour that night because I was depressed af or if I’m understanding that everything in this world is grey – there is no black or white answer. I am right in my mind and you are right in your mind, so how can we say either of us is wrong? If my upset was because of the realization that I need to learn how prioritize my own needs while simultaneously prioritizing the needs of others. That’s a difficult balance, but it’s so important to have. If my upset was just overwhelm. Or if it was something else entirely, or a combination of all of the above.

And don’t get me wrong, crying is necessary. And I’m not ashamed of the fact that I cry easily. I have grown a lot and am proud of being able to feel my feelings. Holding space for my emotions is hard, honestly. It’s easier to numb or ignore, but at the end of the day, it is so beneficial to feel them and release them so you have more room for happiness.

However, I am ashamed of the fact that I feel shame surrounding my interests and the things that mean a lot to me. A good friend started following me on Instagram (@thatwriterjenna) and dude, I almost dry-heaved. My stomach dropped to my knees and I was about to stop doing this. And she’s a great friend, so it’s not like I don’t want her to see anything. I post this and am working on baring my soul to the interwebs because I want my words to be seen. But the more people in my life who comes across my writing, the more real it becomes. “It” being stepping up to the plate and actually pursuing my dream of being a writer. So yeah, I’m not ashamed that I love to write. I’m not ashamed of my spirituality. I know that writing and spirituality is not for everyone, and that while these things are a part of me, they do not define me. But I feel shame around the guilt I feel for being so…me. And if I’m honest, I guess part of me is a little (or a lot) ashamed of who/what “me” is.

Y’all how the fuck am I supposed to live my damn life and choose happiness if I’m ashamed of myself? How am I supposed to become the person I am in my dreams, my dream version of me, by playing small?

I’ve read in so many memoirs that once they fully stepped into themselves, they felt so much better and accomplished so much more than they ever thought possible. That’s a bit daunting to me, because I’m manifesting a pretty successful writing career. And like, I want that. But all of this work before hand – the unlearning and the healing and the shadow work and all that, is daunting. And it’d be easier to not deal with it.

But I’m already here! I’m already shedding the layers of the past versions of me. I feel like these layers are like a onesie pajama set and I’m standing here with the pajamas to my hips. I can’t just live life halfway out, and I can’t put myself back in. So, the only way out is through.

I need to push through the discomfort and grow into myself anyway. Do the thing even if I’m scared…if not because I’m scared. I am living this life once, so I need to stop waiting for xyz and just jump into the deep end.

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So how does the New Moon and Uranus Retrograde and hard talks and embracing being myself all tie together? Because it’s my life! It’s exactly what I’m going through right now. And being open about what’s going on as it’s going on, before I have any hindsight, is on the edge of my comfort zone. That’s what Uranus Retrograde is all about.
And I’ve had this feeling that’s been persistent for a few days now: that with the platform I’ll eventually build, I am meant to open the door for other people to have difficult conversations. Authenticity is one of the most important things to me, and I think part of my purpose is to show people how to find their truth.

But I have a lot of living and learning to do before I can get there. I can’t pour from an empty cup, and the teeny tiny drop I sometimes have in my cup I gotta save for myself. And all of these realizations are a part of the process.

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We are living through a pandemic. This isn’t exactly the part of the “Roaring 20’s” we wanted, but it’s the part that we got. Some days are going to feel great, and some days will not. It’s not about comparison of pain or comparison of success, of what Jane Doe is doing today and how Joe Shmo can get all that work done. Your best today will look different than your best tomorrow, and that’s okay.

Take some extra time to take care of yourself, there’s a lot going on energetically right now. I wish you peace and happiness. ✨

Categories
spirituality

My 8/3 Full Moon Reading

Happy Tuesday! Here on the East Coast (I’m along the NJ border along the Delaware River, so we’re not really “East Coast”. My hometown, which is five minutes from Seaside Heights, is the actual coast), Tropical Storm Isaias is rolling through. I’m taking advantage of the covered porch in the house I live in now and am working outside. The rain is coming down hard, but with my noise-cancelling microphone on my headset the callers are none the wiser!

Yesterday, the Full Moon in Aquarius peaked at 11:59 am EDT. Last night, I did my first reading with all three of my oracle/tarot decks.

Deck #1: Moonology Oracle Deck

Deck #2: Spiritsong Tarot Cards

Deck #3: The Mystical Beasts Oracle Deck

Before diving into the reading itself, I want to provide some insight about this full moon energy.

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As usual with full moons, the energy can be felt the day & night before, during, and after. Any rituals or practices can be done on either/all of the days and will still be under the full moon! According to @truly.intuitive, this full moon builds energies of the Lionsgate Portal. The planet of awakening and change, Uranus, is very active under this Full Moon, as Uranus is the ruler of Aquarius. This Full Moon helps us come to terms with things that need to be released. I read somewhere else and can’t remember the source that said this Full Moon specifically is less for manifesting and more for releasing negative energy and letting go of toxic behaviors.

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So with all that in mind, let’s dive into the reading I had!

This is what my reading space looked like

I’ve been working with my Moonology cards since March, and I feel like I have a good bond with them.

For a three card Full Moon reading, according to the booklet that comes with that deck:

Card #1: What is falling away and what do I need to forgive?
Card #2: What’s the illuminated Full Moon showing me?
Card #3: What comes next?

And the cards that I pulled:

I know, right? Some heavy stuff. And to keep this post from getting into close to novella standards 😂, I’m only going to share the sentences from the card descriptions that resonated with me.

Card #1: Disseminating Moon – “Take time to breathe out”.
“The intensity of the full moon has abated – and what are we left with? That’s what this card is asking you. It suggests that the situation you’re asking about has now peaked and it’s time for you to regroup and learn from your experiences rather than blindly forging ahead. Have faith that what is happening is for the best. Try to accept the way things are now, and give yourself and others time out to relax”

Card #2: Waxing Moon – “The energy is gaining momentum”
Note: As I was shuffling the deck this card was on top of a few that turned over as I was shuffling. I ignored it and the universe was like “JENNA this is your message!”
“This card…indicates that you can create the reality you’re dreaming of, though it will take some work and you’re not quite there yet. Where do you want to go and do you believe that you can get there? Either you can just keep meditating and focusing on your desired outcome or you can make the courageous commitment to take more practical steps towards your goals”

Card #3: Waning Moon – “What do you need to release?”
“What do you need to release? This card can be very positive but it can still be gently suggesting that you let something go and some trying so hard.”

Y’all I was shook. I had started this reading with the intention of seeing what this Full Moon’s energy is teaching me, what I am meant to learn right now. And while these may seem vague, for the situations on my heart last night, it resonated with me to my fucking core.

But the reading didn’t stop there. I also asked my Spiritsong deck for what message those cards had for me.

I drew the Nine of Feathers – the Porcupine. This deck is an actual tarot deck and not oracle cards, but the suits are different. The Nine of Feathers is this deck’s version of the Nine of Swords.

CardNine of Feathers – The Porcupine – “Perspective and Self-Empowerment”
“Porcupine is equipped with all he needs to protect himself. He wears his quills with honor, and uses them to confront his fear. A mentor for the vulnerable, he’s here to show you how to protect yourself from your own painful thoughts. Step back and look at the big picture. Things are not as bad as they seem. Focus on your priorities, listen to your inner-voice for guidance, and make the conscious choice to believe that tomorrow holds great promise.
KEYWORDS: Overcoming fear, perspective, self-empowerment, solutions, resurgence”

And lastly, I consulted with my newest deck, the Mystical Beasts Oracle. This deck was actually written and illustrated by some local artists/cool people!

Card: Rat – The Heart Looker. This card talks all about living in love – having every action and every thought be from a place of love.

And I’m telling you, this reading energized me so much. And once I wrote about it and processed it, I felt so tired. This is one of the first times that I did this practice without shame, without holding back, and with truly leaning into my interest and leaning into my intuition.

All together, the summary of the messages from this reading that I interpreted was I need to step back from some things – look at the big picture, and let things breathe. Take some pressure off of the situation and let it be. As far as my future is concerned, whether I decide to take action and actively work towards my goals or just daydream and manifest – either is fine and I am right where I am meant to be. I need to continue to do shadow work and see the behaviors I need to unlearn, and I need to remember to treat every situation with love. (And this is not saying that I can’t feel negative emotions, but. I’m working on responding rather than reacting, and I should work on choosing to respond with love). All in all, I am exactly where I am meant to be in this moment.

I’m not sure if this is interesting for you to read or not, as this reading was very personal to me and my journey. I don’t feel strong enough in my practice to do readings for anyone else…yet. That’s definitely something that I’m working towards. I’m also not sure if this content is appealing to everyone, buttt I’m going to trust that this is what I need to be writing, since I feel called to write it!

For the rest of the day, I’ll be enjoying the cooler air the storm brought with it and reading outside. Tonight we can still feel the Full Moon energy! I hope y’all have a great night with this full moon 🌝

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Uncategorized

Let’s Talk About Toxic Positivity

Welcome, August! 2020 is f l y i n g by, and I am here for it. This has been a year that I think no one was quite ready for, and in the midst of all the negative things that have happened – it’s actually been a quite beautiful year.

For one thing, Mother Nature has had time to heal. Countless species of animals returned to their old neighborhoods within mere weeks of less humans walking around, less carbon emissions during quarantine, etc. People have become more focused on small businesses, taking care of themselves holistically, etc. Communities have banded together in times of the COVID-19 crisis, in protest with the #BlackLivesMatter movement. There has been a lot of good that has happened this year.

However, there has also been a lot of negative things too. Division, hate, exclusion, violence, death.

So what does all of this have to do with toxic positivity?

By definition, “toxic positivity” is a phrase typically used when someone portrays themselves as happy no matter what.

I have found myself to fall into the trap of being toxically positive.

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Growing up, I was raised Catholic and had to go to mass every Sunday. Church was boring most of the time, but I had to go. My father, the lovely man he is, started a game with me where I tried to come up with one good thing about being there. And it was from this practice that we eventually applied this to life in general.

Looking for the positives in less-than-stellar situations is a great tool! This has been something that has become almost second nature.

The problem lies when someone only sees the positive in any/all situations, and does not hold space for the negativity.

Real life example. You hear from a friend that their elderly and ill relative has passed away. Telling them “At least they’re not suffering anymore” is a toxic-positive thing to say. Because yeah, it’s true, they aren’t suffering anymore, but a statement like that doesn’t leave room for their grief.

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Toxic positivity has been on my mind lately because it’s something I’m working on un-learning. Being taught to look for the silver lining is important but for some of us (🙋‍♀️), this became only holding space for the silver lining.

This is something that is super prevalent in the spiritual community. Those of us who ONLY accept #loveandlight and don’t allow for anything else, is where the issues come. Because while we should not wallow in the negative side of things, we can’t ignore it either. We cannot accept the good without the bad.

Yin and yang : im14andthisisdeep

This above concept is something a lot of people forget about. I think they get so focused on positivity only because they know that what they focus on is what they’ll attract (Law of Attraction 101)…but this mindset is similar to when kids throw all their toys under their bed or in their closet when they clean their rooms. Yeah, it looks pretty, but it’s not actually clean.

A friend recently has been going through a bit of a rough patch with their depression. And I kept finding myself not knowing what to say, because my first thought was to list out every good quality about her. I was going to say every positive thing I could think of, until I realized that that actually is not as helpful as I want it to be.

Because in this moment, I am making her struggle about me. What I want to do is make her feel better, so I’m going to say what I think she needs to hear. But who am “I” to decide what she needs? She knows what she needs. So all I should do in that instance, is hold space for her. Allow her the time to be as she is. Let her know that I am here for her, and that’s it.

And this, folks, is important. It’s important to be honest about the “why” behind our actions. It’s important to have the self-awareness, and the accountability, to question ourselves of our intent. Most times, concerning people who are unknowingly being toxically positive, it can be a reflection of their own trauma. Maybe, as a child, they were not allowed to show negative emotions. Maybe you’re saying something triggering to them and they process things by deflecting. And these scenarios are on them, but still.

In summary – everyone is doing the best they can with all things and we should not push them to feel differently than they do. And looking for the silver lining is just one of many things that can be done to process and deal with a kinda-shitty-situation

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Categories
General

The Future is Calling…

…can you hear it? I can. I’ve been ignoring its calls.

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Saturday was not the best day in my head. I was feeling insecure in my body. I felt insecure about my relationship and was so concerned with people’s perceptions of me. I had a decent afternoon spent with my future mother-in-law and my fiancé, but it all came rushing back at night.

My fiancé is amazing, you guys. While we were playing Yahtzee with his mom and her boyfriend (who are also great), he let me be mopey and off. He gave me space, and allowed me to feel my feelings. When we got home, he held me by the shoulders and would not let me shower until I opened up to him.

I was honest. I told him that I felt insecure (“Gross and unhappy I said, while clutching my stomach rolls). I told him I was thinky about our future – where we’re moving, when we’re moving, him starting paramedic school, getting our finances in order. I told him I was stressed about laundry and grocery shopping. And he held space for all of that. And he kept asking me “What else?”. Finally, I bared my underbelly and told him what I was most thinky about.

I don’t feel fulfilled with my job.

Now, I’ve talked about my job before. I work in a call center. I answer phones, acting as a virtual receptionist for 100+ law firms across the country. I also have other responsibilities too, but that’s the gist of it. It’s a job. It pays my bills and I know the universe provided this opportunity as a way to provide for me financially. It has been a blessing to have been able to work this entire pandemic from home, and to be able to have health benefits and paid time off. It’s a good job…but it doesn’t inspire me. I don’t feel excited talking about it. I don’t dread going to work, which is great, but I also am not excited to go to work.
I work for eight hours a day, as most people do. I think it’s kind of a waste to spend 33% of my weekdays doing something I feel indifferently about.

And before someone is like “you have to make money to support yourself, blah blah blah”. I agree. I know I do. I know that I’m going to have to work, and that I can’t earn money by reading a book by the lake or by camping out under the stars eating ice cream. But – we only live this life once. Why has it always been to work in a 2-star-out-of-5 job to pay for bills? Why has that been what everyone has been told to achieve? Am I really that crazy for wanting to love what I do, and to do what I love?

Back to Saturday. I told my love that I don’t feel fulfilled with my job, and he brought me in close for a hug. Then he held my face in his hands and kissed me, saying “You were born for more than working in a call center.” and went on to say other super sweet things.

Keep this ⬆ in mind.

Yesterday, Sunday, our friend came over to go swimming. While my love and his brother went venturing up the creek farther than us, we waded near my favorite tree. We talked for an hour, at least, about our life. Our friend is actually my love’s co-worker, and her and I became friends through him.
We spent this time catching each other up on our past traumas. I opened up about my mental health struggles, my parent’s divorce, living with my mother before moving out, etc, and she opened up as well. It was a great bonding time. We also talked about our dreams and our hobbies. And it was during this conversation that she said “You’re smarter than working in a call center. You’re more than that. What do you actually want to do?”.

Y’all. I almost fucking cried.

Because I am a firm believer that if something is meant to be heard, it is said to you more than once. If the universe/God has a message for you, it will not go missed.

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So what do I want to do?

I want to be a writer. I want to study psychology and hold space online/virtually for people to be open and vulnerable about their mental health. I want to become a counselor or some figure that can help people with their struggles. I want to study spirituality and philosophy and religions. I want to study astrology and dream interpretation and tarot. I want to have a platform that reaches an audience that holds space for people to come as they are. I want to offer services to people at a low-cost. I want to run a blog and write books and maybe even have a little farm with pigs and goats. I want to earn a steady income as a librarian, or at least working in a library.

And this is a great dream. And it is great to dream. But I can’t keep letting myself slip back into the depths of the abyss of my depression and letting the darkness overcome me because I’m too fucking scared to claim this dream and do something about it. I can’t stay where I know and expect these new things to come my way. “If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done”.

So, it’s about time I start doing something and working towards my future. And I can’t wait to see what I, that writer Jenna, accomplishes ✨

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