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Uncategorized

IG Post RE Cancer New Moon Spread

Hi all! It’s been a bit since I’ve shared on here. To get things started again, this is my spread from last night for the second New Moon in Cancer ✨. Card #1: What’s rising up in you? Card #2: The main message this new moon Card #3: The final Outcome And I pulled an animal card from my Spiritsong tarot deck! (Nine of Shells, which is the equivalent to Nine of Cup. Happy New Moon! 🌑🦀 https://www.instagram.com/p/CC5uu4enD2A/?igshid=165le0z3ta3z2

Categories
General

Catching Up

Hi there!

It’s been awhile since I’ve written here, and instead of allowing the duration in between posts to get longer and longer, I am going to tell you all what I’ve been thinking.

I have big plans for this blog. This blog will be the stepping stone for my writing career. But, I’ll be honest. I’m not much of a marketing person. Social media upkeep is not my forte. I am not very active in posting on my personal accounts, but I know that the only way to earn a strong presence online – the only way I can reach and connect with a lot of people – is if I post consistently. I probably won’t be able to keep a theme, in the beginning at least, but I will be able to at least get the content started.

So my plan (for right now) is to post two pieces a month (near the 1st and the 15th) on here. It’s some structure, which I need. If this is going to be my job at some point, or at least one aspect of it, then I need to treat it like a job. But it’s not so much structure that I get overwhelmed and my creativity is suffocated (which is what happened with my last blog, I think). I’m not sure yet of my plan for my instagram account, but I’ll figure that part out as I go.

One of my main priorities with this outlet is transparency and authenticity. And while this mainly would be for like what I write about, I think that this “back end” information is important to include too. Because I feel like if someone is only honest about some things, but not everything, that’s selective honesty. And I’ve always been an “oversharer”, so I’m going to embrace that and have that be apart of my presence here.

🌼

Categories
mental health spirituality

Halfway Through 2020 Check-In

Yeah, my title is right. Today, July 1st, is halfway through 2020. Isn’t that crazy? This year feels like it’s absolutely flown by but also has been crawling by, if that makes sense.

🌼

Lately I’ve been feeling off. I’m not quite sure if it’s a different type of depression and anxiety, or if it’s part of the spiritual awakening I’m going through, but I don’t feel quite 100%.

I am having a hard time with accepting myself as I am, and accepting my life as it is. I have big aspirations and big plans for what I want for myself and my life, and for some reason I’m going backwards with my mindset. Instead of being inspired and hopeful, I’m feeling suffocated and overwhelmed with how different things are now vs. how I want them to be.

One thing that I have struggled with for years is my self-worth. I am constantly catching myself thinking that I’ll be happy/beautiful once xyz happens. What is xyz? I want my love and I to have our own place. I’ve been missing our apartment, just for the sake of having a dwelling that’s ours. I want my body to look different. I want my hair and nails to look different. I want my job to be different. I want this and I want that…and again, recently I’ve been good about understanding that things are the way they are meant to be right now. But lately in this funk, I’m regressing in my growth and I’m getting angry.

I read somewhere that anger comes from fear, and this has really stuck with me. So if I’m so angry about all the things I want to change, what am I scared of? Or what could I be scared of?

My subconscious may be scared that my love and I will live with roommates forever; that I will never like my body; that I will never have the hair and nails I want; scared that I’ll grow old wishing I could have been a writer because I never chased that dream. And writing it now, I realize how, frankly, dumb that is. Of COURSE we will not live with roommates forever. And yeah, this living situation may not be the most ideal or favorable. But we are young and just starting out, we’re not going to just be given our dream house. We have to work for it. We have to build our credit, save our money, establish ourselves a bit. This living situation is a solid B (in a A-F grading scale). It’s mostly good, but there are some things that could change that would make it better. But if I just focus on the things I don’t like, then I’ll miss out on the good things.

I’ve said this before, that like begets like. The thing I focus on is what I will constantly see. And for me, having a positive mindset takes work. Just because I’ve been having numerous good days in a row does not mean that I can stop the things that bring my joy (which is what happened).

So what I was doing was getting up earlyish (around 7:15 am about). I go to the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth. I go downstairs and do a sun salutation, say my affirmations, and then pray to the Higher Powers with my Moonology oracle deck. I eat a healthy breakfast and listen to a podcast. If my love is home, I’ll cuddle with him until I have to log into work (since I’m working from home indefinitely). If he’s not, I usually tidy up a bit. I’ll work, eat a decentish lunch, go back to work, and then afterwards go for a 2 mile walk. I eat dinner (usually a quick Lean Cuisine or something similar), shower, and then go in the room to do art or journal until I do my nightly journaling.

All of this was helping me feel great. But, sometimes feeling great can be scary because you feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, ya know? If you don’t feel like you deserve to be happy, then you’ll constantly be feeling like the happiness won’t last. For me specifically, as I am a spiritual person, I started to doubt the universe and trust in the universe less.

So. To bring all this rambling together. I stopped doing the things that were bringing me happiness and peace because I was feeling happy and peaceful. I started to get suspicious of the constant good feeling. I started to look outwards for validation (which is a TRAP! You can never find true validation externally) and stopped feeding my soul. The foundation of my good perspective start to crumble because I stop with the consistency of prioritizing myself. Now that I am not preserving my mental health the way I was, I am now open to old triggers, such as feeling out of control.

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I have made tremendous strides in my growth the past six months, even amidst all the things going on this year. In the next six months, I would like to make more positive changes to myself.

  1. I’m going to give myself a fucking break. There is no way I am going to have an 800 credit score, $20,000 in savings, six best seller novels, a log cabin on 15+ acres in six months. But I can make an effort to save money. I can make an effort to pay down my credit card debt. I can make an effort to work on my novel ideas. I am going to give myself permission to be a human.
  2. I am going to keep up with my routines to the best of my ability.
  3. I am going to meditate more. Give myself time outside of this human body to be refreshed.

Amidst the chaos, and the #halfwaythroughtheyear motivation we’ll see, remember to check in and give yourself permission to just be.

Categories
Uncategorized

Patience is a Virtue…and a Struggle

Hi y’all.

I am writing this in some real-time impulsiveness. I am not, by nature, a patient person. I want things now, I want things done now, and I don’t want to wait a second. My inner child, my default setting, all of those things, is a lot like Veruca Salt.

However, in my adult life and my growth, I am always working to better myself. I am working on letting go of the need for now, and just living with the natural progression of how things turn out.

When it comes to emotions, this has been tough. Sometimes I wish I could just press fast-forward through the pain, struggle, obstacles and just m a g i c a l l y become the patient, loving, amazing person I know I will be. All of the middle I would be fast-forwarding through is where the change comes in, so this would actually be counterproductive long-term.

One thing that I am having a bit of a hard time with is being patient with the emotions of other people. It’s been tough for me to rise above the reaction I want to provide to them to just try and fix it, rather than let go and just let it be.

So, some context. A friend of mine recently told me that they feel insecure and they don’t like the way they look, that they want to start working out. I’ve know that insecurity is something that they’ve struggled with for awhile, but it felt heavier this time they spoke about it. And so I tried my best to hold space. I told them I’d be there for them and will help them through it. I told them they are valid and worthy as they are. I also told them that they need to learn to love themselves now, or else any physical changes won’t matter in the long run. I then told them how I was able to stop hating myself.

Do you see where I went wrong? Because I do.

To truly hold space for someone, you cannot force them to feel differently than they do. And sometimes, such as this instance, knowing what to do about the problem is not much of a help. It does not matter that the solution to wanting a better body is to eat healthy and exercise, because even if they got that body they would still feel unhappy in their own skin. You cannot rush away depression, or insecurity, or low self-worth. What you can do, and what I should have done in this instance, was just be. Just be there for them. They do not need a shpeal about the coulds and shoulds of their situation, they just need support and love.

To this person, I see you. You are good and worthy and valid. I love you.

Let this serve as a reminder to truly be there for those around you.

🌼

Categories
Current Events

Why I Am Not Posting More About Current Events

Hi all. There are a few things that are on my mind that I want to talk about and share, but I wanted to let y’all know something first.
I am not posting more about the protests, the rebellions, or anything about George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, or any other of the souls we lost to racism out of respect.

I stand with my black friends and family. I am an ally of POC. And out of respect, I’m not going to try to get my site trending by using the hashtags that aren’t mine to use. (Yes I used hashtag George Floyd on the My Heart Feels Heavy poem, and honestly that was in poor taste. I’m removing that tag once I publish this post). And you’ll notice that I’m not using any tags on this post either.

Let’s be honest – it does not matter what I have to say. I already treat everyone equally. No one is better than me and no one is lesser than me. I understand that all of our souls are connected and we are one. I have friends from all different backgrounds. I treat everyone with respect, and I do not judge people based on superficial things. It is not my place to clog up the important tags. And I will raise my children, should I be blessed enough to have them when I’m ready, to do the same. I have been saying silent because I don’t want my words to get in the way of someone finding something written by POC.

The events that are transpiring right now are not a #trend. This is not the time for me to get more traffic to my page. My site does not need to be seen right now. However, if a reader (that’s you!) wants to know why they haven’t seen anything from me about this other than my poem, and they’re looking through my stuff, this is why.

I see you, POC. I stand with you. I am sorry we are fighting against the same societal injustices as our grandparents were, but this time, these issues end NOW. ✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿

Categories
Uncategorized

My Heart Still Feels Heavy

My heart feels heavy today because in this day and age of modern technology, modern advances in medicine and science…human decency is nowhere to be found.

My heart feels heavy today because conversations cannot be had without the divide of politics blinding those speaking.

My heart feels heavy today because society is not satisfied until they are #1. Striving for perfection will leave you endlessly unhappy.

My heart feels heavy today because Anxiety is visiting my mind with Paranoia lurking in the corner, and I just want to be alone.

My heart feels heavy today because money clouds judgement in business, and this chase never leads to satisfaction.

My heart feels heavy that Mama Earth is hurting and for some reason being eco-friendly is treated with mockery rather than revelry.

My heart feels heavy with overwhelm because I want to do so much good in the world. There is so much change to be made that I want to be apart of and it feels suffocating rather than inspiring.

My heart feels heavy today thinking about the world we’re creating for our children. I want to be a mother in the future, but I don’t want to bring life into a world full of fear, hate, and darkness. (I will create an environment of love, support, acceptance and happiness within my home, but some days I feel uneasy at the thought of my daughter or son growing up).

My heart feels heavy today because people are cruel. There is a lot of good in the world, but there is still too much toxicity.

My heart feels heavy today because higher education and debt should not be synonymous.

My heart feels heavy today because the world is suffering a global pandemic, and society only cares about getting hair cuts and their nails done.

Categories
Uncategorized

My heart feels heavy today.

My heart feels heavy today because George Floyd died a horrific death. Black people keep dying horrific deaths, and it sickens me.

My heart feels heavy today because in this day and age of modern technology, modern advances in medicine and science…human decency is nowhere to be found.

My heart feels heavy today because conversations cannot be had without the divide of politics blinding those speaking.

My heart feels heavy today because I’m worried about all of my black and mixed friends.

My heart feels heavy for the mamas of black boys and men who have reason to worry more than mamas already do.

My heart feels heavy today thinking about the months it took for Ahmaud Arbery’s story to be shared. Black people should not have to change their fitness routines in fear of being killed.

My heart feels heavy today because people are cruel. There is a lot of good in the world, but there is still too much toxicity.

My heart feels heavy today because my black friends and family are scared, and suffering…but they are not alone ✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿

Categories
spirituality

Hi, all. Happy Sunday!

This past New Moon peaked at 1:39 pm EDT on Friday, May 22nd. As with all new moons, during this energy is the best time to reflect, create manifestations, start new projects, etc. Typically, a New Moon’s energy can be felt the day before, the day of (obviously), and the day after. So just to be sure I didn’t miss it, I had my crystals charging since Thursday morning through Saturday night, and I used my moon water soap for my showers on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Yesterday I spent some time journaling about what my life looks like in 10 years. I chose 10 years specifically because I use Rachel Hollis’s Start Today Journal and I have been feeling like I need to revamp my 10 dreams. At first they had me on fire but then the more time went on, the more I’ve been embracing my spirituality and getting to my true roots, the less those dreams felt like mine. So I journaled a lot yesterday. And my life 10 years from now as I see it today is, I think, a modest, nice life.

I’m going to spare you all the details (because 1. that isn’t the full point of this post but 2. I want to keep most of it for myself), but essentially I am married to the love of my life, my boyfriend that I’m dating now. We live on 10+ acres in a nice 3 bed 2 bath house (not fancy or extravagant), in my head I see as a barn house/log cabin style. We have two healthy happy kids, a boy and a girl. And I work from home as a writer.

The reason I set the scene like this is because I had a thought weeks ago that has been on my mind ever since, and I want to get y’alls perspective.

So I want to be a writer, and I am a spiritual/mystical person. I have a half dozen or so book ideas as of right now, but I had the thought that the book that will be most successful first is the book that I’m living right now.

RIGHT?

So let me go through that a bit. The book ideas I have are in the YA, thriller, and personal development genres. The YA and personal development books are based on my life and the thriller book is an idea I had when I was little, so these ideas are near and dear to my heart and personal. But I have a feeling that the lessons I’m learning right now, the growth I am experiencing, is going to be the book that is the easiest to write and also the one that starts off my journey as a successful writer.

Once I sat with that thought, I honestly felt lighter. I have been feeling such a pressure to write (from myself). I feel like I cannot call myself a writer until I have written manuscripts, I cannot call myself a poet unless I am up until 4am every day writing poetry, etc.

The truth is…I write, so I’m a writer. I write (and sometimes think in) poetry, so I am a poet. In this day and age of labels for everything, sometimes it can be daunting to embrace a label for yourself. It can feel naive to call yourself something if you have a standard as to what that something should look like.

So why did I feel compelled to share this? Because only YOU know YOUR truth. All too often I see people open themselves up to validation from others or offer unsolicited advice to others. We need to understand, and remember, that people can only understand something from their own level of perception. So their “advice” may not fit what you were expecting, and that could cause discouragement. But keep the above in mind.

For example, a very good friend of mine is still in contact with her ex. I’m not a fan of this, I don’t like him for how he treated her when they were together, how he treated her during the break-up, or the few weeks after. Personally, I would have cut him off completely. But I also was not in their relationship. I don’t know him well, I met him once or twice and then through stories of when she would talk about it. But I was not there for all the good or all the bad. I have never been through a break-up in general, much less one after being with the person for 2-3 years. So how can I give her advice? I can’t, and shouldn’t. (I did multiple times, and eventually realized that I was telling her what I would do if I were her. She never asked for advice or what my opinion was, so who the fuck am I to offer it?).

Let’s try to think of advice as dick pics. No one wants it if they don’t ask – it can be hurtful, off-putting, and completely change your perception as the recipient of the thing if you didn’t ask. And if it is asked for, then it should be handled tastefully and only within the bounds of the recipient’s consent.

Maybe that’s a stretch of a comparison, but honestly I think it holds true.

So with this in mind…the majority of the people that you meet, will continue to offer advice and their opinions even when you didn’t ask for it. And these comments will be from their level of perception, which is crafted based on their own experiences. So if Aunt Sally thinks you need to go to college to be successful and then you talk about a brand ambassador deal you were offered, Aunt Sally is going to say some hurtful things to discourage you. Aunt Sally does not mean to be nasty, but her perception of what she would do if she were you, is she would go to school to study medicine. And maybe Aunt Sally has been through some shit, and she never got to pursue her dreams of becoming a veterinarian, so to hear her 20-year-old niece “throwing her life away” is going to set her off. And while having this context does not excuse Aunt Sally, it does shed some light on her actions. You cannot change Aunt Sally or control what she says to you, and you probably aren’t able to tell her straight up “I don’t care what you think” because it’s going to start shit with your mother and grandma and the whole gang, BUT you can tell her “I respect your opinion but I still feel like this is right for me.” and then walk away. And you have the control to not hold on to whatever she says to you.

(Note: I don’t have an Aunt Sally. I was never offered a brand ambassador deal. This is just an example. However, I do have a friend who talks to her ex who I gave unsolicited advice to, so I do have an idea of what I’m talking about here).

To conclude: deep down in your gut, past the recycled expectations of others and your worries and fears and “junk” – you know what you want for your life. You know what is best for you. Take what other people say with a grain of salt, and trust yourself.

Also, consider that maybe the season you’ve living right now will make way to something amazing in the future. I have always felt that the good in life outweighs the bad, so if that doesn’t feel right for you right now, then the good stuff is still on it’s way. ☯

🌼

Categories
General mental health

Honesty Thursday

I’ve been debating writing on here for weeks. My inspiration has been lacking, I have been feeling irritated at a lot of things, and I’ve also been feeling low. I’ve been diving more into my spiritual practice, and I’ve been feeling very opinionated lately and discouraged that no one seems to see things my way.

So I stayed away from this. I stayed away from writing an angry post because I don’t want to be an angry person. And the thing is? I’m not. I’m not angry at all, actually. I just feel strongly in my beliefs, and something I’m currently dealing with is choosing response over reaction.

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There’s a co-worker of mine who I disagree with on the way we should handle our job. She does things a way that I feel is wrong, and I feel anger bubbling inside me right now that management isn’t doing anything about it.

I have read in multiple books/sources that anger stems from fear, and I guess I’m scared of someone receiving the praise and acclamation I feel I deserve? Which also means that my pride is getting in my way. A scarcity mindset. Which means I’m actually feeling insecure and my ego is being a bitch.

In my own defense, there are some people that are just a pain to work with. They’re great out of the office, but you just don’t want to work with them. And that’s fine, it’s rare to like every single person you work with. But we all still need to be respectful to each other. And I can’t let my ego/pride get in the way of my response (which I did). So I’m also angry at myself for reacting in the way that a past version of me would. And as I reached out to a friend to make sure I was in the right…I realized that if I needed to make sure what I was doing was right to someone else, then it wasn’t right to me. A decision I know is right for me, I do not need input on. If I know something is right, nothing can sway my judgement.

I ALSO cannot control or really change anyone else. If I think someone is doing something wrong or incorrect, there is nothing I can do to change them. (I’m also not management, so it’s really not my job 😂). So now, I’m feeling embarrassed. I don’t take back what I said, because it’s the truth, but it’s also not up to me to put myself in the position I was in. I know I am great at my job. I know I am considered to be the #2 in the office behind management. And just because I sometimes need an ego boost doesn’t mean I should go after that by stooping to someone else’s level of passive aggression. It’s also not up to me to have an opinion on what I think management should do, because it doesn’t matter what I think. I am not management. I don’t get paid enough to care about what management should do. I get paid to do my job, which encompasses my responsibilities. And that’s it. So while initiative is great, I also can’t stress myself out about something that isn’t even mine to stress.

🌼

I have also been feeling “blah” lately. I haven’t been feeling super inspired, I haven’t been feeling fulfilled. I’ve been pulling myself away from the things that bring me joy in favor of the things that numb, which lowers my vibration and makes me feel shitty all around.

A good friend asked me the other day “how’s the website going” and I felt hurt by the fact that I was so ecstatic and inspired to pour my heart and soul into blog posts, to start to connect with people, and I just lost that.

But do you know why it hurt? It hurt because of why I lost the inspiration. I lost the inspiration because I started to think about what other people will think when they read my stuff. My dad knows about this site, ya’ll! I love him so much and I know he loves me too but it’s so much easier to bare your soul when no one is looking, ya know? But also, if I’m going to be a writer and live into my life’s purpose, then I’m going to have to lose the shyness a little and just do it.

I’ve also been feeling out of sorts due to hormones surrounding my period, which the feminist in me hates bringing up, but honestly- it’s relevant.

There’s also a New Moon tomorrow, which I’m going to spend the rest of my afternoon reading about and journaling about (in between work stuff).

Part of me also feels call to write about the witchy/spiritual/mystic stuff that I’m researching, and while I am a bit nervous for any “feedback” I may get from the people less than supportive of the subject, I also am getting to the point where I just don’t care. This is my site and I’m going to write about what I want, and honestly I am interested in earning a living as a writer so I suppose I should concern myself with whatever is #trending, but FUCK THAT. I’d rather write what I’m passionate about, when I’m inspired, than push out weekly bullshit that everyone can tell doesn’t speak to me.

🌼

Lastly, I have been feeling insecure about myself lately. I haven’t felt confident in my body, I haven’t felt worthy, and I started to feel myself slip back into old patterns of self-deprecating jokes and self-hatred. With a relationship with depression, this didn’t really come as a surprise to me. But this isn’t who I want to be. The Best Jenna does not fall prey to her depression because she knows she is worthy. She accepts her bad days as she accepts passing clouds in the sky, and does not berate herself for feeling human emotions.

🌼

So that’s where my head has been, lately. It hasn’t felt the most inspiring, but it’s what has been on my heart. And no matter what I decide to write about, I know my site and anything I create is definitely going to have a lot of heart.

Categories
Uncategorized

Happy Friday, y’all!

I use the Happy Color app every day. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night or early in the morning, and checking my phone has become second nature. Rather than scrolling social media, I found that coloring a cute picture has been better for my mental health.

Just a reminder that it’s okay to be tired but inspired. It’s okay to have big dreams for your future that feel so real you can smell the room you’ll be in when it happens…but to be thinking about that in slipper socks while watching TV. It’s okay to be inspired and have ambition without always being motivated. As long as you don’t let go of your dreams, as long as you still chase them (whether by actions or thought), then you’re doing great.

Please also remember to be kind to yourself. Even though the weather is getting warmer, and there is talk of states reopening and all of that, we are still living through a traumatic time. We’re in a pandemic!! This is a history in the making period right now. It’s okay if you, in fact, did not write the books you thought you were going to (it me), or if you didn’t do xyz…it’s okay. You’re human. Count your blessings and remind yourself everything you have to be grateful for. And keep in mind a saying I tell myself: “Don’t do today what you can do tomorrow”. Don’t overwhelm yourself! The dishes, laundry, whatever will be there, but today only happens once!!

It’s okay to be tired but inspired ❤ Have a great weekend!