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I had a dream I was in my high school. A friend of mine, Jessica, was getting harassed and bullied because of an aspect about herself that she recently changed. It was getting to be so hard for her to be in the school building that I told her I would go back to her locker and get what she needed for her homework. I was writing down her assignments when I woke up.

I realized how unknowingly ignorant I was in high school. I was ignorant because I was sheltered, and frankly just didn’t know better. I didn’t have anyone to correct me in my mistakes because we were all kids and THEY didn’t know better.

But sitting here today, 24 years old, I realize just how damaging my ignorance may have been to those around me.

We only know as much as we learn, so if we don’t immerse ourselves in cultures different from our own – we never learn the errors (even the ones we didn’t intend to make) in our ways. This practice is typically more common with younger people because of toxicity and ego – “i made it this far without worrying about blahblahblah, I’m not about to start now”. But everyone could stand to lose

For the record, Jessica in my dream was a newly-transitioned trans woman.

Also, I feel like if people need a way to understand “why someone would want to do that”, I would liken it to this: let’s say your entire family is blond. You grow up being blond, but it’s just never really felt right to you. You get old enough to be exposed to more life and you see that people have different hair colors. You decide that as soon as you’re able to, you’re going to dye your hair brown.

Once you do, you finally feel like you are being true to your TRUE self.

Now this is obviously a stretch, but the principle of changing your physical body to match what your identity is on the inside is true. <Unless that was offensive to the trans community, then please let me know!>.

I woke up today feeling like I needed to share this. I’m literally writing this from my yoga mat before doing my morning yoga because this felt like something I needed to share. I needed to apologize to the trans people in my life that I was not initially supportive to and wasn’t the nicest to. Yes, in high school we’re all going through things. My social anxiety and my deep depression made interacting with people difficult, but as an adult I’ve learned to hold space for my own struggles while holding space and respecting someone else’s.

Also, for the record – I am a feminist. I am pro-choice. I believe all lives matter, so I am also a supporter of Black Lives Matter. I support the trans community. I support the LGBTQIA+ community. I support all minorities and communities of people. I also think society needs to place more of a priority on addressing mental health awareness and support, and not stress on gun control. (People are going to abuse laws and act erratically either way and can still get firearms illegally, but the restrictions only hurt the safe gunowners). I don’t believe political labels matter, and I don’t identify as a liberal. I also don’t identify as a conservative. But even if I did identify as either, it shouldn’t make you any less invested in the message of “Love, Support, and Respect All Human Beings”, which is what matters most to me.

Part of the need to share about my dream was also for me to share my beliefs, for anyone who was wondering. I’m not as active as I should be in any of these movements, as I’m trying to build the foundation of myself. These causes are important but something is calling me to focus inward during this pandemic, and I’m following my intuition.

So today, the first full day of autumn, remember to love, support, and respect all human beings. Reflect a little and see if you are holding onto any beliefs that aren’t actually yours.

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The Future is Calling…

…can you hear it? I can. I’ve been ignoring its calls.

🌼

Saturday was not the best day in my head. I was feeling insecure in my body. I felt insecure about my relationship and was so concerned with people’s perceptions of me. I had a decent afternoon spent with my future mother-in-law and my fiancé, but it all came rushing back at night.

My fiancé is amazing, you guys. While we were playing Yahtzee with his mom and her boyfriend (who are also great), he let me be mopey and off. He gave me space, and allowed me to feel my feelings. When we got home, he held me by the shoulders and would not let me shower until I opened up to him.

I was honest. I told him that I felt insecure (“Gross and unhappy I said, while clutching my stomach rolls). I told him I was thinky about our future – where we’re moving, when we’re moving, him starting paramedic school, getting our finances in order. I told him I was stressed about laundry and grocery shopping. And he held space for all of that. And he kept asking me “What else?”. Finally, I bared my underbelly and told him what I was most thinky about.

I don’t feel fulfilled with my job.

Now, I’ve talked about my job before. I work in a call center. I answer phones, acting as a virtual receptionist for 100+ law firms across the country. I also have other responsibilities too, but that’s the gist of it. It’s a job. It pays my bills and I know the universe provided this opportunity as a way to provide for me financially. It has been a blessing to have been able to work this entire pandemic from home, and to be able to have health benefits and paid time off. It’s a good job…but it doesn’t inspire me. I don’t feel excited talking about it. I don’t dread going to work, which is great, but I also am not excited to go to work.
I work for eight hours a day, as most people do. I think it’s kind of a waste to spend 33% of my weekdays doing something I feel indifferently about.

And before someone is like “you have to make money to support yourself, blah blah blah”. I agree. I know I do. I know that I’m going to have to work, and that I can’t earn money by reading a book by the lake or by camping out under the stars eating ice cream. But – we only live this life once. Why has it always been to work in a 2-star-out-of-5 job to pay for bills? Why has that been what everyone has been told to achieve? Am I really that crazy for wanting to love what I do, and to do what I love?

Back to Saturday. I told my love that I don’t feel fulfilled with my job, and he brought me in close for a hug. Then he held my face in his hands and kissed me, saying “You were born for more than working in a call center.” and went on to say other super sweet things.

Keep this ⬆ in mind.

Yesterday, Sunday, our friend came over to go swimming. While my love and his brother went venturing up the creek farther than us, we waded near my favorite tree. We talked for an hour, at least, about our life. Our friend is actually my love’s co-worker, and her and I became friends through him.
We spent this time catching each other up on our past traumas. I opened up about my mental health struggles, my parent’s divorce, living with my mother before moving out, etc, and she opened up as well. It was a great bonding time. We also talked about our dreams and our hobbies. And it was during this conversation that she said “You’re smarter than working in a call center. You’re more than that. What do you actually want to do?”.

Y’all. I almost fucking cried.

Because I am a firm believer that if something is meant to be heard, it is said to you more than once. If the universe/God has a message for you, it will not go missed.

🌼

So what do I want to do?

I want to be a writer. I want to study psychology and hold space online/virtually for people to be open and vulnerable about their mental health. I want to become a counselor or some figure that can help people with their struggles. I want to study spirituality and philosophy and religions. I want to study astrology and dream interpretation and tarot. I want to have a platform that reaches an audience that holds space for people to come as they are. I want to offer services to people at a low-cost. I want to run a blog and write books and maybe even have a little farm with pigs and goats. I want to earn a steady income as a librarian, or at least working in a library.

And this is a great dream. And it is great to dream. But I can’t keep letting myself slip back into the depths of the abyss of my depression and letting the darkness overcome me because I’m too fucking scared to claim this dream and do something about it. I can’t stay where I know and expect these new things to come my way. “If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done”.

So, it’s about time I start doing something and working towards my future. And I can’t wait to see what I, that writer Jenna, accomplishes ✨

🌼