Categories
Current Events

Spring into Action

Happy Spring! Happy Ostara and Happy Spring Equinox!

This is one of my favorite times of year! 🌸🌼🌺. I LOVE seeing all of the green that’s coming back all around us. Feeling the earth awaken after winter, the longer days and shorter nights, more of nature coming to life – I feel so INSPIRED this time of year.

A time of rebirth and renewal, this is also a great time for new ideas! What is something that you’ve been wanting to do but haven’t felt like it during the gray winter? How are you planning on taking advantage of the sunshine and warmer weather?

I’ll be going on a lot more hikes and walks. In northeastern Pennsylvania, it gets cold and icy during the winter months and isn’t the safest for my favorite trail (which has a lot of tree roots). I’ll be going through my big piles of books to read, finding a good park or a good spot in the backyard, and set up camp for the day (on weekends). I’ll work with the windows open and spend as much time outside as possible.

I feel my best when I’m outside on a nice spring day. But with spring, also comes a lot rain. And some people look at rain as a bad thing or as “bad weather”.

There is a way of thinking that nothing is good or bad – that everything is in a state of neutrality, and we are the ones who decide if it’s “good or bad”. With rain – someone with plans of reading outside on the grass may see rain as “bad”, but someone who has been struggling with a drought may be grateful for the rain. Either way – it’s just rain. With larger concepts, it may be hard to see the neutrality of all things. This is still something I’m working on understanding, but it has helped me tremendously with accepting that life is happening for me, not to me. So if I go through life believing everything is bad, then it will be since that’s my perception. But when I shift my mindset to be grateful for everything – the sunshine AND the rain – my gratitude will grow.

🌱

With springtime beginning, I challenge you to spend more time outside. Start a new project, or finish one you’ve put off during winter. Think of at least one thing you’re grateful for every day.

Categories
mental health

Embrace Your Weird

How many times have you been called weird or have been made fun of/teased?

I’ve been called weird a lot. I’ve also been teased a lot.

This used to bother me more when I was younger. As someone who just wanted to fit in, any time light was shined on a way I was different from the people around me, I changed that aspect. Girls weren’t interested in playing outside? I didn’t talk about it. No one wore South Pole? I stopped wearing it, even though it was my favorite brand. Throughout my childhood/young adolescence, I changed anything about myself that may have been seen as “weird” to those around me.

Sitting here now, I can look back with hindsight. I am an empath, so the emotions of those around me can be overwhelming (and they especially were when I was a kid). My love languages are Words of Affirmations and Acts of Service, so being made fun of or teased was something that really bothered me. Emotions and words are things that I’m sensitive to!

And now, I am weird. I am interested in “weird” things that the majority of people in my life are not interested in (or at least not as much as I am). Astrology, paganism, psychology, moon phases, the magick of nature, spirituality, plays and films, books, so much more. I am grateful to be at the point of not giving a FUCK because I’m learning I don’t need to change myself for anyone.

I am learning to embrace my weirdness.

I’m also grateful for my fiancé, who also embraces my weird. We goof off around with each other, we have conversations about things that aren’t super important but are on our minds, etc. And seeing him, someone who I admire, love me as I am and encourage me to be myself has jumpstarted my own journey to actually learning more about the things that interest me.

But the thing is, I didn’t need him to love me in order for my weird to “be okay”. I have always been okay – my weird has always been okay, I just was so preoccupied for so long to fit in.

And of course, the clichés we’re all familiar with come to mind – “If you feel you don’t fit in, you were born to stand out”. Maybe you’re not comfortable standing out. I’m not! I’d rather be behind-the-scenes of things. But whether I am cast or crew, in the spotlight or backstage – my true self and the things that make me different are still valid. I am still valid and worthy of existing exactly as I am without changing myself to fit the mold of someone else, or of what someone else may want for me.

If this sense of hiding yourself and not embracing your true self is never something that’s affected you – good for you, my dude! (not sarcasm) That’s incredible and I am so happy for you that you have always felt comfortable in your own skin.

But if you feel like you can only be your true self on your own or with a select few people, then I want you to know that I see you. Maybe you came across this and are in high school – and honestly that is the breeding ground for trying to fit in. After graduation, you most likely won’t keep in touch with many people and you’ll see just how much your environment affects your personality and your-wellbeing.

Whatever your situation is – let this be a reminder that you are allowed to be yourself.

Categories
General

Love Yourself Too

Happy February!

This month has always been a weird one for me. We have Groundhog’s Day (which I’ve come to see is another Pagan-inspired holiday), Valentine’s Day, President’s Day, and also Black History Month. And I’m sure even more that I’m forgetting. That’s a lot for one month, let alone a month with only 28 days (not counting leap year).

Also, I have some beef with Valentine’s Day.

Growing up my parents gave me a basket with little toys and candy every year, and then I had the typical school stuff. And as I got older, I started to romanticize the day of romance and expect this to be the day that my crush of the week professed his feelings for me. That never happened. Eventually, I started dating my now-fiancé and while we’ve been in love ever since, I still never really got into Valentine’s Day. Until this year.

See, I was very much in the mindset that you should be romantic and love-y to your partner all year long, not just on one day because Hallmark said so. I’ve learned about the origins of the holiday and being in a loving relationship has me less anti-Valentine’s Day (I actually hand-made a gift for my love this year, I’m excited!). I do still think you should show and tell those around you that you love them all year long, but I also just feel like something is missing with the common ways to spend the day.

I feel like the type of love that needs to be celebrated the most, and also the least talked about, is self-love. And self-care.

Do you love yourself? That’s a pretty invasive question, but I’m not sorry for asking.

Do you show yourself the same love that you show your partner, your friends, your family? Do you let yourself rest when you need it? Do you motivate yourself to work on achieving your goals, even when it’s hard? Do you drink water, eat food that is good for you, and move your body?

Do you establish boundaries? Do you stand up for yourself and speak your truth? Do you also not give energy to the things that do nothing for your soul?

This may be a concept you’re not familiar with. You may not have been raised with the mindset that you are the most important person in your life – you can’t be there and serve others if you are not going through your life at your best.

Self-care has been a trendy subject lately, but I’m not seeing a lot of depth with the mainstream conversation. #selfcare is full of bubble baths and face masks, but self-care is so much more than that. Self-care is, quite simply, taking care of yourself. Supporting yourself, being there for yourself. It sometimes does look like a nice hot bath and pampering, and sometimes it looks like quitting a job that drains you. Sometimes it is going for a walk, or doing some moderate retail therapy for clothes, or having some tough-love conversations with yourself. It can look like dedicating a few hours on a Saturday morning to work on tasks when you’d rather be doing something else, but ultimately the productivity will make you feel good too.

Self-care looks like being honest with yourself and finding a balance between what you want and need. It’s ordering a salad because pizza doesn’t make you feel great, and it’s also having ice cream for dinner on nights where you’re hungry but don’t feel up to doing anything. It looks like distancing yourself from friendships that weigh you down and it also looks like holding space for people to be in your life who are going through journeys you may not even be aware of. It looks like cleaning your room some days and also looks like leaving the laundry for a week when you just can’t get to the place of caring.

Self-care looks like being your own best friend. Self-love looks being your own damn hype man. And if this relationship with yourself has been something you’ve been neglecting, let this Valentine’s Day be a reminder that you are deserving of love from yourself, too. ❤

Categories
mental health

Fuck It – The Motto

A lot of people advise to choose a word to embody your intention for the new year. I saw that all over social media last month – and that practice has never really felt like it fit all the way for me. Sure, I could jam the puzzle piece in the spot if I needed to, but choosing one word just didn’t feel like me.

I was scrolling through TikTok as one does and found this video and I immediately felt like it was made for me. And I remembered that “fuck it” was something I’d repeat to myself and it helped me overcome my anxiety and helped me kinda take back my sense of confidence. So we’re bringing that back!

🌼

I’m working on accepting my body as it is. I’m very early on in this process and I’m not a fan of most things about my physical body. But once I changed the narrative in my mind and started calling it my “meat bag” or my “organ vessel” or something like that, my focus started to shift from the way it looks to the way it feels. My worth as a person has absolutely nothing to do with the way I look but about the way I am. So if I’m wearing an outfit that I think looks good on the bed but then not that great when it’s on me? Fuck it – I’m going to wear it anyway.

There was a day the other week where I felt so anxious. I felt anxious about future plans – and I was really getting worked up about not knowing what was on the agenda. And I talked with myself about deep breathing through the anxiety and trusting that everything will work out and that I don’t need to have a minute-by-minute itinerary of what I’m going to do. 1. That’s an old version of me wanting control – the version of me that I’m aspiring to be and cultivating now goes with the flow; and 2. I was making assumptions and getting anxious about scenarios that weren’t even happening. And that’s usually how it goes, right? So what did I do? I asked. “Hey – is such-and-such happening this weekend?” and “Hey, this is my plan so far, what do you think?”. Fuck it – the only thing I can do is ask.

This works with a lot of things too. If it’s cold in the morning and I know a long walk before work will feel good but I’m not sure if I want to put in the effort – some days it’s “Fuck it – don’t be lazy and go for the walk” and other days it’s “Fuck it- there’s always tomorrow. Rest if you need it”. If I think someone is upset with me – it could be “Fuck it – their opinion is not my problem” or a “Fuck it – just ask them”. If I want to go to the grocery store and spend $10 on sushi just because – “Fuck it, you only have this day once” or “Fuck it, save your money and get something this weekend instead”.

Fuck holding yourself back. Fuck putting other people above yourself. Fuck making assumptions. Fuck holding onto expectations that nobody knows about. Fuck living your life for somebody else.

All of these things and more are things I defaultly do. Whether it’s a trauma response or my societal conditioning or whatever – I am a people pleaser. I tend to care more about what other people want or need from me than what I want or need. I tend to hold people to standards that I never verbalize and then get upset when they don’t meet those expectations. I tend to overthink and blow things out of proportion. But I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be held back by myself anymore – fuck that.

🌼

Maybe some of you do like to choose a word for the year. Maybe some of you made New Years Resolutions. Whatever the case may be – the number of the year does not determine the quality of the year. I’m writing this post on New Year’s Eve (🤓), and my social media is flooded with people saying “I can’t wait for 2021, it’s got to be better than 2020”. Does it? Do you really think that the clock changing and the calendars going to the next year is going to *snap* magically make everything better?

NO.

We have to put in the work. Trust in the universe/God/your higher power to provide, and put in the work in the meantime. Pandemic aside, a new year is not going to automatically bring a new you. We all don’t have a software update that’s installed on January 1st at midnight. If we have a resolution to lose 50 pounds or save $5,000, we need to put in the effort to get there, regardless of the date.

So yes, this “fuck it” motto of mine was inspired by the new year, but I’ve been making changes to my diet, my exercises, my mind all year long.

Of course – you do what feels right for you. But a friendly, tough-love-no-bullshit reminder that if you want something different to happen, you have to do something different to get that. If you want something to change, you have to change.

And if you’re just not feeling it? Fuck it – do what will feed your soul in that moment. Sometimes it’s a run, sometimes it’s a nap, and there’s nothing wrong with either.

As the New Year hype starts to die down – just remember that you live your life for you. Fuck it – do what you want 🙌🏻✌

Categories
Current Events writing

Welcome 2021!

Hello, all! Happy 2021! I feel like the end of 2020 has been a long time coming and yet also kinda feels like a weird prank. In any case, I hope you had a safe and fun New Years and overall holiday season!

In the spirit of new beginnings, I thought I’d use this blog post to reintroduce myself. There are actually some new people who are following my blog and social media accounts. Which is super cool…and also super weird. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad and grateful. I want you guys here and I want to reach more people, but it’s been kind of humbling/Imposter-Syndrome-inducing/another feeling I can’t quite place.

So I started my first blog (the one I had before this one) because of The Perfect Man. Think back to 2005 when Hilary Duff was in all the movies, sang all the music, and did all the things (or at least that’s how it felt for me). In the movie, she sets her mom up on an elaborate blind date and also has a blog. I immediately fell in love with the whole ~writing a blog from my laptop on a fire escape~ vibe, and knew that at some point, I’d want to write one too.

In 3rd grade, around the same time this movie came out, I won a Young Authors competition. Went to a big conference hall, won an award. Needless to say, I have loved writing and reading since I learned to read and write. I am a writer by nature. I say affirmations and a decent amount of them surround my writing career.

I started That Writer Jenna last year as a “rebranding” of myself. This time, owning the fact that me, Jenna, is writing this blog. That Writer Jenna (TWJ) will eventually evolve to be a part of big things I accomplish in my life. I keep up with this blog and I have a little corner of the internet for my writing because I want my words to reach people. I want to help heal people with my words.

And I realize that sounds like a big deal. But I mean it to be. I have big dreams for my career. Some of which I haven’t even admitted to myself yet. And part of that is my drive to help people feel better.

🌼

Within the past few months, some of the people that have been reading my posts are people that I know. Which is so cool. But also a little shocking and outside my comfort zone.

I tend to imagine myself writing into the abyss of the Internet. I write these posts and a few people read them and maybe someone comments, but all interaction is with people I don’t know. So I am writing into the abyss and strangers are reading it.
But now the abyss is meeting my real life and it’s….weird. It’s weird because it’s REAL. This isn’t just something that I do in secret that no one knows about, so it’s not the same as before where it felt like it didn’t matter if what I was writing was good. It’s kind of like a wake up call, ya know? If I’m going to actually carpe meae (seize my life), then I need to do the work. I can’t keep being timid. And this “weird” is the best feeling – because it means that as my space grows, my work is making an impact. Already I have had people I know in real life tell me what I’ve written about has helped them, which is absolutely incredible.

(But fair warning that I will probably still blush and get awkward talking about this in person🤷🏻‍♀️)

🌼

In any case, my space over here in the abyss is an open space to talk all things relating to mental health, spirituality, philosophy, personal development, general wellness, and whatever other topics I think are interesting. I speak about things from my experience, and I hold space for ALL experiences.

I’m an ally of the LGBTQIA+ community (aka alphabet mafia for my fellow TikTok fanatics) and the BLM movement. I’m an ally of any and all religions, bodies, abilities, neurodivergencies, gender identities, sexual orientations, etc. I am a feminist and think boys shouldn’t be taught to not cry. I support the Second Amendment. And honestly, it doesn’t even matter. Quite frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn about any of that. Let’s get past all of the superficial shit and the divisiveness and just speak soul to soul, okay? That’s more my jam.

I welcome discussion. Just because you’re reading something online doesn’t mean it’s true and that you have to agree. Because you don’t. But just like I have the right and freedom to have my little corner of the internet over here, you also have the same right and freedom to tell me you don’t like what I say. Or that you love what I say (what I’d prefer, in all honesty). Or you don’t have to interact at all. Just like I don’t have to answer a comment that is rooted in ignorance or rage.
All too often, I see people say “I don’t tolerate hate on my page”, and I’m not saying I tolerate or welcome hate, but also who am I to tell you what you can and can’t say just because you’re here in my section of the internet?

🌼


So what does all of this have to do with TWJ?

I have meditated on, and thought about, how I wanted to handle my corner of the interwebs this year. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll keep my same schedule that I’ve been following the past few months. Two blog posts a month (on the 5th and the 20th), and social media posts on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My goal is to build a company and work for myself under TWJ, but I have to start somewhere. This feels like a good fit for now. I work a full-time job and have other obligations. I can’t schedule inspiration and I don’t want this to feel obligatory or overwhelming at all, but I also need to have a little discipline. I need to build a solid foundation, and this feels pretty solid to me for right now.

That’s my plan for That Writer Jenna in 2021. Build a foundation, create a routine that is consistent and of good-quality, and see what the universe/the future has in store.

I hope all of you had an amazing holiday season and I’m wishing you a safe, happy, healthy, fun, amazing new year! 🍾

Categories
Uncategorized

Winter Tidings of Mindfulness

Happy Winter Solstice! Merry Christmas! Happy Yule and all other holidays!

I had the plan to write out a post explaining the Pagan origins of the Christmas holiday many of us celebrate and also include how Christianity adopted it as their own. But honestly? That’s not where my heart is at right now.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas and learning more about the traditions and all. But something that feels more prevalent is the topic of mindfulness.

To be mindful is to be aware of the present moment. Not thinking about what you need to do later today or what you should have done yesterday, etc. Just being 100% present in this moment.

This is tough, honestly. It’s a lesson I have been learning for years, and only most recently do I feel like I’m truly understanding. And understand that I truly struggle with this lesson.

As someone with anxiety, a lot of my unsupervised mind is focused on “what ifs” and the future. As someone with depression, a lot of my unsupervised mind is either focused on the past or on my flaws. For many years, I was only living life through my unsupervised mind’s eye. Practicing mindfulness teaches me to let go of the future, the hypotheticals, the shoulds and should-nots, and teaches me to just be. That’s it, to just be.

Let me emphasize the fact that this is hard. Like, really fucking difficult at times. Because it is SO damn easy to start daydreaming about my goals, which then turns into me comparing my life now to what I want it to be, which then just snowballs into me being overwhelmed with anxiety (if not also anger).

🎄

This holiday season looks different for each and every one of us (in America, at least, where COVID is still very relevant). And it is all too easy for me to think about how I wish it looked like and how I want it to look next year and what I’m going to get everyone next year and how I need to plan ahead better and…yeah, it’s exhausting. And unhelpful!

A therapist I had years ago had tried to work with me on mindfulness. We did exercises during our sessions, but it felt very difficult to implement this. I was in a point of my life where my conscious mind was asleep. I was living on auto-pilot, and that auto-pilot flew me right into a shitstorm of feeling unsettled, to say the least.

Now I don’t want to come across like being mindful is unattainable, because it is very attainable. I personally think being mindful is the key to living a truly happy life. Think about kids, for example. There are not many 4-year-olds thinking about yesterday or tomorrow (unless it’s Christmas or their birthday). They are just in this moment, and that’s it. It’s so refreshing when I get to see my fiancé’s nieces, ages 9 and 4 (almost 5). They’re the sweetest girls, and just so present.

That childlike oblivion to everything isn’t necessarily always realistic, because we do have to pay bills and honor responsibilities and all that. But, be honest with yourself. How often are you doing something and you’re not really present with it?

Probably a lot.

And that’s fine! We are having this human experience, and being preoccupied with all the external factors that come with this life are going to happen. But. We also owe it to ourselves to really drop in to what truly matters to us and what we can actually do right now.

Without going into too much detail, my fiancé and I had a little disagreement a few weeks ago. On the surface, I felt unsupported and unheard. I felt like he was casting off what was important to me because it didn’t matter to him. After some sleep and some honest tough-love self-talk, I realized that I was not being present and I was being impatient.

Y’all don’t have to agree with me about this next point, but I sometimes forget that the circumstances of my life are unfolding the way that they are meant to. I do have control of my destiny and I am the creator of my reality, but I also can’t build Rome in a day. I can’t *snap* have the life I see in my dreams, I need to give it some time. I need to take the steps to get there. I can’t just jump the whole damn staircase, I have to go in order. (I know that’s vague, but hopefully you get what I’m saying).

Bringing that back to mindfulness: It will feel aggravating and frustrating and anger-inducing, but be honest with yourself about what you can actually do about a situation in this present moment. Most likely, there’s not much you can do about the big-picture in 1 day. You can make an effort to move in the direction of what you want, but more often than not, you need to let go of what you think things should be and just make the most of the way they are. And understand this is how they are for now

🎄

Your holiday traditions probably look different this year. With the risk of COVID-19 still rising, family gatherings for the holidays might not be happening. And it sucks. But, this will pass. We live in a wonderful age of technology, where Zoom/Google Meet/any other video chats can still bring people together. And it’s not the same, videochatting is not the tradition that many of us know, but stressing out about how we think things should look like is not doing anything other than stressing us out and wasting our energy.
Or maybe you want to get your degree, but financially can’t swing going back to school right now. Or maybe you want to move somewhere, or change jobs, or get a new car, or whatever. You can take conscious steps to help you move towards what you want, but it’s important to remember that if you’re not happy along the way, you won’t be happy long-term once you get whatever it is that you want.

76 Most Powerful Mindfulness Quotes: Your Daily Dose of Inspiration

As we embark on this new holiday season, I wish you and your family good health, tidings of joy, and also a peace of mind that this storm will pass.

Allow yourself to have bad days, but make it a point to not wallow in the negative.

Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, and Happy Holidays! ❤💚

Categories
Uncategorized

Welcoming Winter

Happy December!

This time of year can be hard for some people, especially for people who find themselves experiencing SADD. Seasonal Affective Depression Disorder affects a lot of people! Essentially, it is when people experience depression during the winter months. Part of this is caused by the decreased Vitamin D accompanying the lack of sunlight, and sometimes also the holidays are hard for people.

2020 has already been an intense year, to say the least. And if you are finding yourself feeling depressed (or more depressed than your usual amount) during this, you’re not alone.

So what can you do about it? Especially during this time of stay-at-home orders?

Give yourself a fucking break.

Seriously. Put off for tomorrow what does not need to get done today. Let yourself have an extra 30 minutes of laying in bed. Eat what you feel like having. We are literally living through a pandemic, y’all. Our normalcy is being rearranged – and depression (seasonal or not) has a metaphysical reason for demanding rest.

Something I’ve read about briefly is ayurvedic medicine. Within this medicine is the idea of your body being closely aligned with the sun, that our bodies naturally need less sleep in the summer and more in the winter. Our eating habits change seasonally as well.

This is not me saying “depression during the winter is natural, just deal with it”. BUT I am saying that one of the healthiest things we can do is listen to our body. Give yourself the grace and give yourself the space to do your best every day, no matter what that looks like.

Sometimes my best is waking up early and doing yoga and exercising before the sun rises. Other times it’s waking up at 9:30am and eating cookies for breakfast. Life is all about balance, and it’s important that we hold space for ourselves.

So what are some winter activities to do during this time?

❄ Drive around and look at Christmas lights

❄ Make hot chocolate at home and have a game night

❄ Sit in front of a fireplace (in real life or on YouTube) and cozy up under a bunch of blankets

❄ Watch Christmas movies

❄ See if there’s any local Christmas light “events” (In New Jersey, the PNC Bank Arts Center has a drive-thru Christmas light show and they charge a small entry fee per car)

❄ Read one of your favorite chapter books from when you were a kid. (The Inkheart trilogy is my go-to)

❄ Have a movie night (Harry Potter is my go-to!)

❄ Do your favorite winter activities safely!

Remember, you are entitled to your feelings. Right now does suck. But this stork will pass. It might pass like a fucking kidney stone, but this too shall pass.

Categories
mental health spirituality writing

Coming Back Home to Myself

So, things have changed since I last wrote here. My funk has transformed into inspiration, but not after me going through a low.

Whether you want to call it depression, or part of the spiritual awakening, or an existential crisis – for what felt like an eternity, I was feeling like my life wasn’t my own. Not in a dissociation sense, because I know what that feels like and this wasn’t it. But I felt like my life didn’t feel like my life. That if I were given the ability to choose the aspects of my life, the life I am living would not match that. Does that make sense? I was feeling unsatisfied, overwhelmed, lost, and hopeless. This was beyond me feeling like I was in a rut – I truly felt like I didn’t fit in to my own life.

Last Saturday, I decided to do some autumn-cleaning. I wasn’t feeling relaxed in my bedroom, and this is the only space we have in our current living situation that’s ours, which makes it of more importance to me for it to feel like home.
Spiritually, I felt like I had too many crystals out. I had the intuitive thought that all of the energies of the 40+ crystals I had throughout our room was getting to be overwhelming, and as I am a spiritual person I’m more in tune to these energies. I made sure my Google Slides presentation was up to date (this is how I keep track of the names of all of my crystals), and I put the crystals I wasn’t feeling drawn to in a box. I cleansed that box with Palo Santo incense, and put the box in the attic. I then went through my books that I have in the room, and decided to only keep the books in the room that I actually intend on reading in the next few months. The rest of the books – most of my books – are in the attic and are easily accessible should I need them. I then reorganized my other things – my pictures, elephant figurines, dresser, etc.- and anything that didn’t feel necessary, I put in a box. I went through my clothes and organized them too, and anything that I haven’t worn in a long time I put in a garbage bag. I put the box and the bag in the attic. Essentially, I redecorated the room and did a variation of Marie Kondo’s cleaning. Instead of asking myself if each item brings me joy, I asked myself if it resonated with me. They say (I can’t remember who “they” is) that your home is an extension of your mind, so if you’re feeling cluttered/scatter-brained, it may help to clean your room, etc. This did help me feel better, to have my bedroom feel like a reflection of myself.

🌼

I went for a long walk the next day. As I was walking, I whispered out loud all the things that were bothering me and told the trees the things on my mind and on my heart. I had the intuitive thought that the reason my life doesn’t feel like mine is because I am not holding space for myself. I am dimming myself down to be the version of me that I used to be, the version of me I think others are expecting me to be. So if I don’t feel comfortable within myself, how the hell am I going to feel comfortable with anything in my external world?

So I talked to the trees. I said that if a friend was telling me everything that I just said, I need to do for myself what I would advise my friend. Below are a few bullet-points of that conversation.

Me: I don’t feel satisfied with my job. It doesn’t feel like something I want to do, and it doesn’t make me happy.
What I would tell my friend: Your job does not define you. It is a way for you to make money, but if it doesn’t resonate with you it does not have to be apart of your identity. Write out a list of pros/cons of working there, and see how you feel after seeing it all on paper.
Also: My job does not make me happy in the sense of me feeling excited to start the day, but I don’t dread logging in. Apathy isn’t the goal emotion for your career, but sometimes a job is just a job. It’s not forever and it doesn’t have to be my passion, especially if I remind myself that this is a stepping stone.

Me: I don’t know where I want to move to after our current living situation, but I know that I don’t want to stay here forever and I’d like to get our own place soon. I don’t know what to do.
What I would tell my friend: The good thing about where you are living now is also that it’s a stepping stone. You’re not stuck there. But it is where you are now, so I think it’d be beneficial to make the most of it while you’re there. The time is going to go by either way, so if you can help it, don’t be miserable.
Also: If we’re not moving for, at the very least, 15 months, why should I worry about it now? Why should I spend so much energy planning for something that’s so far away and has so many variables? I can think about it, and plan the best I can, but realistically – there is not much I can or should do until it gets closer. So just check ✅ it off the mental list and move on.

🌼

Also, after this conversation, I felt HUGELY inspired with regards to my writing. If I want to be this successful writer and reach the goals that I dream about, then I need to put in the work. I need to do the best I can now, because putting it off until later isn’t going to help me. Would I rather watch seven hours of Parks & Rec or work on writing blog posts and Instagram captions? Some days I’d rather just relax and watch Netflix, and there is nothing wrong with that. But if I ask myself that question every time I go to the app, chances are I’ll be binge-watching shows a lot less.

I’m a spiritual person. Most likely, if you’ve read anything else I’ve written on here you are already know that. A lesson I’ve been struggling to learn lately is finding a balance between surrendering my earthly need for control to the universe but also taking control of my life. While this has been a dilemma and something that’s weighed me down for awhile, today I’m starting to understand it a little better.

I surrender my need for my life to look a certain way, while understanding that I have the power to change my life. I surrender the idea that I need to achieve xyz by the age of 30, but I claim the power to create my own reality and achieve my goals.

For example – I want to be earn a living by being a writer. I say affirmations every morning after my yoga, and I see visions of my future working from home in my gorgeous home office, but I won’t get to that point without doing work. I release the need for the path to getting there to happen a certain way, but I know that I need to actually put in the work to get there.

And so…an announcement. 🥁 Last Sunday, Sept. 27th, I printed the very first draft of my first book. It’s 16,000 words and needs a lot of editing, and I know that it’s nowhere near done, but it’s still an awesome feeling to be holding my words. I sat down to write today and I started to repeat myself from what I’ve said already, so I decided it was time to edit what I have so far, and organize it into chapters so it’s also easier for me to navigate. In one month of writing for one hour every week, I have 16,000 words. It feels uncomfortable to say because of my low self-esteem that I’m working on but – I am proud of myself and of this accomplishment. I hold space for this achievement, and I am passionate about the work that needs to happen to get this book anywhere close to being ready for publishers.

I also am inspired for this blog and my social media presence. I can’t have the audience of my dreams and reach people without consistent content. I can’t schedule inspiration, but I can take advantage of inspiration when it happens and put a plan in motion to be worked on afterwards.

🌼

It’s okay to not feel inspired all the time. It’s okay to feel lost, and it’s okay to feel shitty. There is strength in feeling your emotions, and there is strength in taking back your power.

Categories
General mental health

This Morning’s Musings

I’ve been in a funk, lately. I feel like I’m always saying that, which makes me feel worse.

Now I don’t know if I’ve been feeling more depressed, or if the depression is part of the spiritual awakening I may or not may not going through, I don’t know.

I just finished a book, “Gus” by Kim Holden. I’ve read the first book in the series a couple of times, “Bright Side”, and I finally managed to finish this one too. And dude, I fucking love the feeling after finishing a good book. The excitement and elation of the inspiration of finishing a story – especially a story like this. Overcoming grief and loss, finding yourself, and pursuing the hell out of your passions. I needed that.

Lately I’ve been feeling called for us to plan to get our own place, and move into an apartment. I miss having my own space away from the world. I miss being able to cook in the kitchen whenever I want, having only myself and my fiancé to worry about. I miss not having to share a bathroom with anyone else. And honestly? I miss the independence of being away from everyone else. I miss being able to be alone, truly alone. No other people in my space, not having to worry about who is doing what and where. I miss having a space that is my oasis from the world.

But, to play my own Devil’s Advocate, maybe my lower feelings currently are causing me to feel more antisocial so I feel more called to be away from everyone and everything.
Also, apartment living requires you to share walls with neighbors who could be loud or just generally annoying. And most units don’t have a washer/dryer in-unit. And carrying groceries up the stairs if you live on the second floor sucks. And we wouldn’t have the yard we have now and the garage…but I personally would be fine with that. I am willing to sacrifice the comfort of laundry and groceries for the general feeling of being at peace and being at home somewhere.

My fiancé is not on board, I don’t think. He’s not the most open with his emotions and his feelings, and he’s also stressed because he starts class in less than a week.

So I’m at a loss for what to do. Because I’m not happy with our current living situation…but I’m also not unhappy to the point of dreading being home. I feel indifferent/apathetic about living here. I also don’t feel the happiest inside about myself, which could be affecting my mindset too.

🌼

After our talk this morning that was mostly me building the case for why I want us to move into our own apartment in 6 months and him listening but not engaging and also not 100% agreeing – I decided to finish reading “Gus”. Because I wanted to escape. When I’m not on the phone for work, I was escaping into another world. And it was this excerpt that made me almost cry:

When I got to this point, I gasped out loud and read it again. And then I sent a picture of this to my fiancé and shared to my personal stories on social media. It felt like these words were written just for me to read.
How, specifically, this works into my life I’m not 100% sure yet. I immediately thought of my writing career, and the fact is that I can’t earn a living from writing if I don’t actually do the writing.

I also know that happiness comes from within, so if I’m not happy within myself I’ll never be happy no matter where I live. But I also think it’s a valid argument that staying somewhere out of convenience and ease is a shit choice. If I want to choose happy and live intentionally, and not just let myself fall into a routine of mediocrity, then I need to be intentional with my life. Which leads me back to wanting to move into our own place.

But, I can’t force someone into wanting something that they don’t. Just like I can’t force myself to be happy with something that I’m not. So I’m going to throw myself into work and read the next book in the series (“Franco”, Kim Holden) and see what happens. I’m going to trust in the universe and surrender to the fact that I know this living situation no longer serves me, and that I am ready for our next chapter. I’m going to get out of my head a little and try to give my mind a break from thinking, and just focus on being. ✌

Categories
Current Events mental health spirituality

New Moon Post: Planetary Happenings, Stepping into Myself, Doing the Hard Things (oh my!)

Happy Tuesday! Happy New Moon in Leo! This is also the second full day into Uranus Retrograde, so let me know if this is hitting y’all as hard as it’s hitting me 😅

In case you’re not into astrology stuff (moon energy, planetary alignments, etc.), I’ll briefly discuss what both of these things mean and link articles to read that explain it more eloquently. Also, just follow @truly.intuitive on Instagram! She’s the best.

New Moons are the beginning of the moon’s energy cycle. It’s typically when witches do their work for manifestation, among other things. New Moons signify beginnings, and there have also been studies to show that a majority of women menstruate around the new moon and ovulate around the full moon. So, new moons are pretty powerful. If you do any sort of Law of Attraction practice (writing letters, vision boards, etc.), I recommend paying attention to when the next New Moon is to help boost the manifesting.

🌼

Most of us are aware of our sun signs. This is the answer we would give if anybody were to actually use the “So what’s your sign?” pick-up line on us. This is the “most popular” knowledge people have of their birth chart, but y’all there is actually so much more to know. It’s on my mental list of things to do to study astrology and eventually be able to read birth charts, but for now I’m still in the “collecting general knowledge” phase. We all have the planet Uranus in our chart, and typically, this planet is a symbol of progress, science, and disruption of the status quo. It’s the planet that is linked to surprises, innovation, revolution, and liberation. Uranus is demonstrative of all that is unique, wild, unpredictable, and unusual in our lives.

So what does this mean for this planet going in retrograde? It means our comfort zone will be tested. We are given a choice: change or die. (Die in the figurative sense). Without the influence of Uranus, many of us would nestle deep in our most familiar ruts and never look back. Uranus pushes us past the edge of our comfort.

Y’all, I am feeling all of this energy.

🌼

Recently (like, Sunday night recently), I initiated a difficult conversation that I’ve been avoiding having with someone. And while we actually made progress, kinda, I was in my feels yesterday (as the kids say). I was feeling down, almost depressed. Very sad, insecure.

(Context: This wasn’t a bad conversation! No break-ups or any life changes, just a sensitive topic that is something not openly discussed. A lot of emotions were had).

And the reason I think that all of these feelings have to do with my spiritual awakening, is because I know that I need to go through this. So after yesterday morning of feeling super low, I was sitting outside cuddling with our pupper and had the thought that growth comes after change, and this season is all about shaking things up and teaches us what is really important.

It’s hard to determine if what I’m feeling is a “normal” part of growing, spiritually. It’s hard to tell if I cried for an hour that night because I was depressed af or if I’m understanding that everything in this world is grey – there is no black or white answer. I am right in my mind and you are right in your mind, so how can we say either of us is wrong? If my upset was because of the realization that I need to learn how prioritize my own needs while simultaneously prioritizing the needs of others. That’s a difficult balance, but it’s so important to have. If my upset was just overwhelm. Or if it was something else entirely, or a combination of all of the above.

And don’t get me wrong, crying is necessary. And I’m not ashamed of the fact that I cry easily. I have grown a lot and am proud of being able to feel my feelings. Holding space for my emotions is hard, honestly. It’s easier to numb or ignore, but at the end of the day, it is so beneficial to feel them and release them so you have more room for happiness.

However, I am ashamed of the fact that I feel shame surrounding my interests and the things that mean a lot to me. A good friend started following me on Instagram (@thatwriterjenna) and dude, I almost dry-heaved. My stomach dropped to my knees and I was about to stop doing this. And she’s a great friend, so it’s not like I don’t want her to see anything. I post this and am working on baring my soul to the interwebs because I want my words to be seen. But the more people in my life who comes across my writing, the more real it becomes. “It” being stepping up to the plate and actually pursuing my dream of being a writer. So yeah, I’m not ashamed that I love to write. I’m not ashamed of my spirituality. I know that writing and spirituality is not for everyone, and that while these things are a part of me, they do not define me. But I feel shame around the guilt I feel for being so…me. And if I’m honest, I guess part of me is a little (or a lot) ashamed of who/what “me” is.

Y’all how the fuck am I supposed to live my damn life and choose happiness if I’m ashamed of myself? How am I supposed to become the person I am in my dreams, my dream version of me, by playing small?

I’ve read in so many memoirs that once they fully stepped into themselves, they felt so much better and accomplished so much more than they ever thought possible. That’s a bit daunting to me, because I’m manifesting a pretty successful writing career. And like, I want that. But all of this work before hand – the unlearning and the healing and the shadow work and all that, is daunting. And it’d be easier to not deal with it.

But I’m already here! I’m already shedding the layers of the past versions of me. I feel like these layers are like a onesie pajama set and I’m standing here with the pajamas to my hips. I can’t just live life halfway out, and I can’t put myself back in. So, the only way out is through.

I need to push through the discomfort and grow into myself anyway. Do the thing even if I’m scared…if not because I’m scared. I am living this life once, so I need to stop waiting for xyz and just jump into the deep end.

🌼

So how does the New Moon and Uranus Retrograde and hard talks and embracing being myself all tie together? Because it’s my life! It’s exactly what I’m going through right now. And being open about what’s going on as it’s going on, before I have any hindsight, is on the edge of my comfort zone. That’s what Uranus Retrograde is all about.
And I’ve had this feeling that’s been persistent for a few days now: that with the platform I’ll eventually build, I am meant to open the door for other people to have difficult conversations. Authenticity is one of the most important things to me, and I think part of my purpose is to show people how to find their truth.

But I have a lot of living and learning to do before I can get there. I can’t pour from an empty cup, and the teeny tiny drop I sometimes have in my cup I gotta save for myself. And all of these realizations are a part of the process.

🌼

We are living through a pandemic. This isn’t exactly the part of the “Roaring 20’s” we wanted, but it’s the part that we got. Some days are going to feel great, and some days will not. It’s not about comparison of pain or comparison of success, of what Jane Doe is doing today and how Joe Shmo can get all that work done. Your best today will look different than your best tomorrow, and that’s okay.

Take some extra time to take care of yourself, there’s a lot going on energetically right now. I wish you peace and happiness. ✨