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Current Events writing

Welcome 2021!

Hello, all! Happy 2021! I feel like the end of 2020 has been a long time coming and yet also kinda feels like a weird prank. In any case, I hope you had a safe and fun New Years and overall holiday season!

In the spirit of new beginnings, I thought I’d use this blog post to reintroduce myself. There are actually some new people who are following my blog and social media accounts. Which is super cool…and also super weird. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad and grateful. I want you guys here and I want to reach more people, but it’s been kind of humbling/Imposter-Syndrome-inducing/another feeling I can’t quite place.

So I started my first blog (the one I had before this one) because of The Perfect Man. Think back to 2005 when Hilary Duff was in all the movies, sang all the music, and did all the things (or at least that’s how it felt for me). In the movie, she sets her mom up on an elaborate blind date and also has a blog. I immediately fell in love with the whole ~writing a blog from my laptop on a fire escape~ vibe, and knew that at some point, I’d want to write one too.

In 3rd grade, around the same time this movie came out, I won a Young Authors competition. Went to a big conference hall, won an award. Needless to say, I have loved writing and reading since I learned to read and write. I am a writer by nature. I say affirmations and a decent amount of them surround my writing career.

I started That Writer Jenna last year as a “rebranding” of myself. This time, owning the fact that me, Jenna, is writing this blog. That Writer Jenna (TWJ) will eventually evolve to be a part of big things I accomplish in my life. I keep up with this blog and I have a little corner of the internet for my writing because I want my words to reach people. I want to help heal people with my words.

And I realize that sounds like a big deal. But I mean it to be. I have big dreams for my career. Some of which I haven’t even admitted to myself yet. And part of that is my drive to help people feel better.

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Within the past few months, some of the people that have been reading my posts are people that I know. Which is so cool. But also a little shocking and outside my comfort zone.

I tend to imagine myself writing into the abyss of the Internet. I write these posts and a few people read them and maybe someone comments, but all interaction is with people I don’t know. So I am writing into the abyss and strangers are reading it.
But now the abyss is meeting my real life and it’s….weird. It’s weird because it’s REAL. This isn’t just something that I do in secret that no one knows about, so it’s not the same as before where it felt like it didn’t matter if what I was writing was good. It’s kind of like a wake up call, ya know? If I’m going to actually carpe meae (seize my life), then I need to do the work. I can’t keep being timid. And this “weird” is the best feeling – because it means that as my space grows, my work is making an impact. Already I have had people I know in real life tell me what I’ve written about has helped them, which is absolutely incredible.

(But fair warning that I will probably still blush and get awkward talking about this in person๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ)

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In any case, my space over here in the abyss is an open space to talk all things relating to mental health, spirituality, philosophy, personal development, general wellness, and whatever other topics I think are interesting. I speak about things from my experience, and I hold space for ALL experiences.

I’m an ally of the LGBTQIA+ community (aka alphabet mafia for my fellow TikTok fanatics) and the BLM movement. I’m an ally of any and all religions, bodies, abilities, neurodivergencies, gender identities, sexual orientations, etc. I am a feminist and think boys shouldn’t be taught to not cry. I support the Second Amendment. And honestly, it doesn’t even matter. Quite frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn about any of that. Let’s get past all of the superficial shit and the divisiveness and just speak soul to soul, okay? That’s more my jam.

I welcome discussion. Just because you’re reading something online doesn’t mean it’s true and that you have to agree. Because you don’t. But just like I have the right and freedom to have my little corner of the internet over here, you also have the same right and freedom to tell me you don’t like what I say. Or that you love what I say (what I’d prefer, in all honesty). Or you don’t have to interact at all. Just like I don’t have to answer a comment that is rooted in ignorance or rage.
All too often, I see people say “I don’t tolerate hate on my page”, and I’m not saying I tolerate or welcome hate, but also who am I to tell you what you can and can’t say just because you’re here in my section of the internet?

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So what does all of this have to do with TWJ?

I have meditated on, and thought about, how I wanted to handle my corner of the interwebs this year. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll keep my same schedule that I’ve been following the past few months. Two blog posts a month (on the 5th and the 20th), and social media posts on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My goal is to build a company and work for myself under TWJ, but I have to start somewhere. This feels like a good fit for now. I work a full-time job and have other obligations. I can’t schedule inspiration and I don’t want this to feel obligatory or overwhelming at all, but I also need to have a little discipline. I need to build a solid foundation, and this feels pretty solid to me for right now.

That’s my plan for That Writer Jenna in 2021. Build a foundation, create a routine that is consistent and of good-quality, and see what the universe/the future has in store.

I hope all of you had an amazing holiday season and I’m wishing you a safe, happy, healthy, fun, amazing new year! ๐Ÿพ

Categories
mental health spirituality writing

Coming Back Home to Myself

So, things have changed since I last wrote here. My funk has transformed into inspiration, but not after me going through a low.

Whether you want to call it depression, or part of the spiritual awakening, or an existential crisis – for what felt like an eternity, I was feeling like my life wasn’t my own. Not in a dissociation sense, because I know what that feels like and this wasn’t it. But I felt like my life didn’t feel like my life. That if I were given the ability to choose the aspects of my life, the life I am living would not match that. Does that make sense? I was feeling unsatisfied, overwhelmed, lost, and hopeless. This was beyond me feeling like I was in a rut – I truly felt like I didn’t fit in to my own life.

Last Saturday, I decided to do some autumn-cleaning. I wasn’t feeling relaxed in my bedroom, and this is the only space we have in our current living situation that’s ours, which makes it of more importance to me for it to feel like home.
Spiritually, I felt like I had too many crystals out. I had the intuitive thought that all of the energies of the 40+ crystals I had throughout our room was getting to be overwhelming, and as I am a spiritual person I’m more in tune to these energies. I made sure my Google Slides presentation was up to date (this is how I keep track of the names of all of my crystals), and I put the crystals I wasn’t feeling drawn to in a box. I cleansed that box with Palo Santo incense, and put the box in the attic. I then went through my books that I have in the room, and decided to only keep the books in the room that I actually intend on reading in the next few months. The rest of the books – most of my books – are in the attic and are easily accessible should I need them. I then reorganized my other things – my pictures, elephant figurines, dresser, etc.- and anything that didn’t feel necessary, I put in a box. I went through my clothes and organized them too, and anything that I haven’t worn in a long time I put in a garbage bag. I put the box and the bag in the attic. Essentially, I redecorated the room and did a variation of Marie Kondo’s cleaning. Instead of asking myself if each item brings me joy, I asked myself if it resonated with me. They say (I can’t remember who “they” is) that your home is an extension of your mind, so if you’re feeling cluttered/scatter-brained, it may help to clean your room, etc. This did help me feel better, to have my bedroom feel like a reflection of myself.

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I went for a long walk the next day. As I was walking, I whispered out loud all the things that were bothering me and told the trees the things on my mind and on my heart. I had the intuitive thought that the reason my life doesn’t feel like mine is because I am not holding space for myself. I am dimming myself down to be the version of me that I used to be, the version of me I think others are expecting me to be. So if I don’t feel comfortable within myself, how the hell am I going to feel comfortable with anything in my external world?

So I talked to the trees. I said that if a friend was telling me everything that I just said, I need to do for myself what I would advise my friend. Below are a few bullet-points of that conversation.

Me: I don’t feel satisfied with my job. It doesn’t feel like something I want to do, and it doesn’t make me happy.
What I would tell my friend: Your job does not define you. It is a way for you to make money, but if it doesn’t resonate with you it does not have to be apart of your identity. Write out a list of pros/cons of working there, and see how you feel after seeing it all on paper.
Also: My job does not make me happy in the sense of me feeling excited to start the day, but I don’t dread logging in. Apathy isn’t the goal emotion for your career, but sometimes a job is just a job. It’s not forever and it doesn’t have to be my passion, especially if I remind myself that this is a stepping stone.

Me: I don’t know where I want to move to after our current living situation, but I know that I don’t want to stay here forever and I’d like to get our own place soon. I don’t know what to do.
What I would tell my friend: The good thing about where you are living now is also that it’s a stepping stone. You’re not stuck there. But it is where you are now, so I think it’d be beneficial to make the most of it while you’re there. The time is going to go by either way, so if you can help it, don’t be miserable.
Also: If we’re not moving for, at the very least, 15 months, why should I worry about it now? Why should I spend so much energy planning for something that’s so far away and has so many variables? I can think about it, and plan the best I can, but realistically – there is not much I can or should do until it gets closer. So just check โœ… it off the mental list and move on.

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Also, after this conversation, I felt HUGELY inspired with regards to my writing. If I want to be this successful writer and reach the goals that I dream about, then I need to put in the work. I need to do the best I can now, because putting it off until later isn’t going to help me. Would I rather watch seven hours of Parks & Rec or work on writing blog posts and Instagram captions? Some days I’d rather just relax and watch Netflix, and there is nothing wrong with that. But if I ask myself that question every time I go to the app, chances are I’ll be binge-watching shows a lot less.

I’m a spiritual person. Most likely, if you’ve read anything else I’ve written on here you are already know that. A lesson I’ve been struggling to learn lately is finding a balance between surrendering my earthly need for control to the universe but also taking control of my life. While this has been a dilemma and something that’s weighed me down for awhile, today I’m starting to understand it a little better.

I surrender my need for my life to look a certain way, while understanding that I have the power to change my life. I surrender the idea that I need to achieve xyz by the age of 30, but I claim the power to create my own reality and achieve my goals.

For example – I want to be earn a living by being a writer. I say affirmations every morning after my yoga, and I see visions of my future working from home in my gorgeous home office, but I won’t get to that point without doing work. I release the need for the path to getting there to happen a certain way, but I know that I need to actually put in the work to get there.

And so…an announcement. ๐Ÿฅ Last Sunday, Sept. 27th, I printed the very first draft of my first book. It’s 16,000 words and needs a lot of editing, and I know that it’s nowhere near done, but it’s still an awesome feeling to be holding my words. I sat down to write today and I started to repeat myself from what I’ve said already, so I decided it was time to edit what I have so far, and organize it into chapters so it’s also easier for me to navigate. In one month of writing for one hour every week, I have 16,000 words. It feels uncomfortable to say because of my low self-esteem that I’m working on but – I am proud of myself and of this accomplishment. I hold space for this achievement, and I am passionate about the work that needs to happen to get this book anywhere close to being ready for publishers.

I also am inspired for this blog and my social media presence. I can’t have the audience of my dreams and reach people without consistent content. I can’t schedule inspiration, but I can take advantage of inspiration when it happens and put a plan in motion to be worked on afterwards.

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It’s okay to not feel inspired all the time. It’s okay to feel lost, and it’s okay to feel shitty. There is strength in feeling your emotions, and there is strength in taking back your power.

Categories
Current Events mental health spirituality

New Moon Post: Planetary Happenings, Stepping into Myself, Doing the Hard Things (oh my!)

Happy Tuesday! Happy New Moon in Leo! This is also the second full day into Uranus Retrograde, so let me know if this is hitting y’all as hard as it’s hitting me ๐Ÿ˜…

In case you’re not into astrology stuff (moon energy, planetary alignments, etc.), I’ll briefly discuss what both of these things mean and link articles to read that explain it more eloquently. Also, just follow @truly.intuitive on Instagram! She’s the best.

New Moons are the beginning of the moon’s energy cycle. It’s typically when witches do their work for manifestation, among other things. New Moons signify beginnings, and there have also been studies to show that a majority of women menstruate around the new moon and ovulate around the full moon. So, new moons are pretty powerful. If you do any sort of Law of Attraction practice (writing letters, vision boards, etc.), I recommend paying attention to when the next New Moon is to help boost the manifesting.

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Most of us are aware of our sun signs. This is the answer we would give if anybody were to actually use the “So what’s your sign?” pick-up line on us. This is the “most popular” knowledge people have of their birth chart, but y’all there is actually so much more to know. It’s on my mental list of things to do to study astrology and eventually be able to read birth charts, but for now I’m still in the “collecting general knowledge” phase. We all have the planet Uranus in our chart, and typically, this planet is a symbol of progress, science, and disruption of the status quo. It’s the planet that is linked to surprises, innovation, revolution, and liberation. Uranus is demonstrative of all that is unique, wild, unpredictable, and unusual in our lives.

So what does this mean for this planet going in retrograde? It means our comfort zone will be tested. We are given a choice: change or die. (Die in the figurative sense). Without the influence of Uranus, many of us would nestle deep in our most familiar ruts and never look back. Uranus pushes us past the edge of our comfort.

Y’all, I am feeling all of this energy.

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Recently (like, Sunday night recently), I initiated a difficult conversation that I’ve been avoiding having with someone. And while we actually made progress, kinda, I was in my feels yesterday (as the kids say). I was feeling down, almost depressed. Very sad, insecure.

(Context: This wasn’t a bad conversation! No break-ups or any life changes, just a sensitive topic that is something not openly discussed. A lot of emotions were had).

And the reason I think that all of these feelings have to do with my spiritual awakening, is because I know that I need to go through this. So after yesterday morning of feeling super low, I was sitting outside cuddling with our pupper and had the thought that growth comes after change, and this season is all about shaking things up and teaches us what is really important.

It’s hard to determine if what I’m feeling is a “normal” part of growing, spiritually. It’s hard to tell if I cried for an hour that night because I was depressed af or if I’m understanding that everything in this world is grey – there is no black or white answer. I am right in my mind and you are right in your mind, so how can we say either of us is wrong? If my upset was because of the realization that I need to learn how prioritize my own needs while simultaneously prioritizing the needs of others. That’s a difficult balance, but it’s so important to have. If my upset was just overwhelm. Or if it was something else entirely, or a combination of all of the above.

And don’t get me wrong, crying is necessary. And I’m not ashamed of the fact that I cry easily. I have grown a lot and am proud of being able to feel my feelings. Holding space for my emotions is hard, honestly. It’s easier to numb or ignore, but at the end of the day, it is so beneficial to feel them and release them so you have more room for happiness.

However, I am ashamed of the fact that I feel shame surrounding my interests and the things that mean a lot to me. A good friend started following me on Instagram (@thatwriterjenna) and dude, I almost dry-heaved. My stomach dropped to my knees and I was about to stop doing this. And she’s a great friend, so it’s not like I don’t want her to see anything. I post this and am working on baring my soul to the interwebs because I want my words to be seen. But the more people in my life who comes across my writing, the more real it becomes. “It” being stepping up to the plate and actually pursuing my dream of being a writer. So yeah, I’m not ashamed that I love to write. I’m not ashamed of my spirituality. I know that writing and spirituality is not for everyone, and that while these things are a part of me, they do not define me. But I feel shame around the guilt I feel for being so…me. And if I’m honest, I guess part of me is a little (or a lot) ashamed of who/what “me” is.

Y’all how the fuck am I supposed to live my damn life and choose happiness if I’m ashamed of myself? How am I supposed to become the person I am in my dreams, my dream version of me, by playing small?

I’ve read in so many memoirs that once they fully stepped into themselves, they felt so much better and accomplished so much more than they ever thought possible. That’s a bit daunting to me, because I’m manifesting a pretty successful writing career. And like, I want that. But all of this work before hand – the unlearning and the healing and the shadow work and all that, is daunting. And it’d be easier to not deal with it.

But I’m already here! I’m already shedding the layers of the past versions of me. I feel like these layers are like a onesie pajama set and I’m standing here with the pajamas to my hips. I can’t just live life halfway out, and I can’t put myself back in. So, the only way out is through.

I need to push through the discomfort and grow into myself anyway. Do the thing even if I’m scared…if not because I’m scared. I am living this life once, so I need to stop waiting for xyz and just jump into the deep end.

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So how does the New Moon and Uranus Retrograde and hard talks and embracing being myself all tie together? Because it’s my life! It’s exactly what I’m going through right now. And being open about what’s going on as it’s going on, before I have any hindsight, is on the edge of my comfort zone. That’s what Uranus Retrograde is all about.
And I’ve had this feeling that’s been persistent for a few days now: that with the platform I’ll eventually build, I am meant to open the door for other people to have difficult conversations. Authenticity is one of the most important things to me, and I think part of my purpose is to show people how to find their truth.

But I have a lot of living and learning to do before I can get there. I can’t pour from an empty cup, and the teeny tiny drop I sometimes have in my cup I gotta save for myself. And all of these realizations are a part of the process.

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We are living through a pandemic. This isn’t exactly the part of the “Roaring 20’s” we wanted, but it’s the part that we got. Some days are going to feel great, and some days will not. It’s not about comparison of pain or comparison of success, of what Jane Doe is doing today and how Joe Shmo can get all that work done. Your best today will look different than your best tomorrow, and that’s okay.

Take some extra time to take care of yourself, there’s a lot going on energetically right now. I wish you peace and happiness. โœจ

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General

What's this?

Hello! I’m Jenna and I’m an aspiring writer. Thank you for stumbling upon my blog!

This is not the first blog I’ve had. I used to run My Soul Told Me To, but decided to take a break from that page. In my few month hiatus from MSTMT, I’ve been able to really narrow down my focus and find my passion.

Previously, I was inspired/distracted by the #bloggers who had millions of followers, blogged on a schedule, made a lot of money from ads…you know, that same story we’ve all heard time and time again. Aside from the fact that I was comparing myself to others (a No-No), I was missing one great big juicy piece of that secret life – the INSPIRATION. The PASSION. The fact that these woman I aspired to be like had worked for years to get to where they are now, and my half-assed blog posts about whatever was trending was not going to get me where I wanted to be.

So that brings me here. Finally embracing writing with my own name. Jenna. For years I had written as Bella Larsen, or just coyly didn’t write my name. A pseudonym was the best way to stay anonymous while still bearing my soul…but it also gave me an excuse to not bare down all the way. While I wanted my writing to show all of my vulnerability, I was still wearing underwear and a bra (if not more). To really grip readers, whether it be in a blog post or a novel, I need to get naked (not necessarily literally, per say). I need to be honest with myself, get comfortable in the discomfort, and then find a way to convey my soul to you through words that are raw and honest.

So that’s what this will be. I’m not going to post every week, because you cannot schedule inspiration. I’m not going to ask a question at the end of every post to try and boost comments, and I’m not going to do any of the things I was doing before. Because in 5, 10, 15 years, when I have gotten to where I want to be in my career, it will not be by doing what everyone else has done. It will be by being myself, that writer Jenna.